* 6 a.m. Is that a sliver of light in the sky? Do you suppose she sees it? I'll go check. I'll walk quietly into the family room and stare at her intently. Is her eye open a little bit? Let me just climb on the chair and check. Very softly now. Place paw gently on her stomach and quietly get into the chair. Stand on chair. Stare at her face. Watch chest moving rhythmically. Sigh. She's asleep. I'll check back later.
Human comment: Must. keep. eyes. closed. Do not acknowledge the weight standing on my stomach. Breathe normally. Want more sleep.
* 7 a.m. What's that? I hear the chair moving. She must be awake! I race down the hall, followed by Sheila. Leaping and licking and more leaping. Morning love-in with all the dogs and Human. Breakfast! I know you've only been awake 30 seconds, but it's time for BREAKFAST!
* 7:10 a.m. What? No breakfast? She wants to go into that little room where the big water bowl is? And then she wants to make coffee? And then she wants to sit in that chair and tap tap tap on that little machine? Doesn't she know I'm going to die if I don't eat breakfast right NOW.
* 7:20 a.m. Still no sign of breakfast. Send the little guys in to beg for food. If that doesn't work, I will stand behind her and poke her in the butt until she gets up. Sheila has gone back to sleep. Lazy bitch.
* 7:30 a.m. Food! It's time for FOOD, glorious FOOD! Follow Human to the kitchen, leaping at her back and punching her in the butt with every step. Wag tail and look cute. Follow her as she feed the other three dogs, finally go eat something.
* 7:40 a.m. - 10 a.m. Retire to the living room. Take my position on the couch, keep watch out the window to protect the house from dogs walking by, garbage men, mailmen, anybody casually walking by and cars.
If someone stops and looks at the window, give them a good show, leaping at the window.
Guarding the house is an exhausting job.
* 10 a.m.: Go to back yard. Hear something strange. Bark. Barkbarkbarkbarkbark. Human comes out on patio and turns that strange handle. Suddenly it's very wet, but only where I'm standing. Better go back in house. Little guys follow me. They aren't really so bad. I think we'll play. Lots of growling and rolling around the floor. We look scary, but we're having fun.
* 12 noon: Human sits down to eat something. Gather the troops together. Here's what we'll do. Spencer will sit in front of her, licking her hands if she puts them in her lap. Polly will put her paws in the lap, wag tail furiously and look cute. Sheila and I will sit nearby staring intently and thinking "You WILL give us food. You WILL give us food." A crust of bread! Yes! We get a crust of bread! Victory!
* 12:30: Change of venue. Settle into Human's chair and pretend that I have a right to be here.
Get up when Human tries to sit down. Give kisses when petted, even though I have to get out of the chair.
* Afternoon - if guests stop by greet them with lots and lots and lots of jumping, unless it's that Marta person, who won't let me jump. Get bored with jumping and gather all the rest of the dogs around the feet of the guests and the Human and start to play-fight. Growling, jumping on each other. in and out of all those human legs. We know they like us and want us to be part of the conversation too. Be happy when Human says "shut up!" which probably means "yes, you can join us in the conversation too."
As Human walks around the house, get the little guys and everybody follow her. Jump at her legs, jump at her butt. She loves having muddy paw prints on her pants. When she goes into that little room with the big water bowl in it, jump at the door until she comes out. (If you can get the little guy to whine, it's even better.) Sheila doesn't want to do this. She has to keep watch at the window.
* Continue to help Sheila guard the house when not busy jumping or barking in the back yard.
* 4 p.m. Time to start thinking of dinner. Human says over and over again "it's not time yet," which probably means "show me how hungry you really are and I will feed you." Keep pawing at human, leaping up in excitement whenever she stands up, getting the other dogs to join me.
* 5 p.m. - Dinner time. Same as breakfast. After humans finish their own dinner, help out by licking the plates and silverware in the dishwasher. They really like all my help.
* race around the house for an hour with the other guys, then settle down for 12 hour sleep in the male human's chair while Human sleeps in her chair.
This is a nice place to live. They feed me, they pet me, they love me, and they let me help with household chores. Maybe tomorrow they'll give me another crust of bread.