Edge of a Scream

At the height of my Garland craze, back in the 50s or 60s, there was an article in one of the movie magazines that I was hooked on, about Judy Garland.  I have read lots and lots and lots of articles about her over the years, but this is the title I always remember:  "Always on the Edge of a Scream."

There have been times throughout my life, for one reason or another, when I have felt that way, and today I realized that one of my big problems is that I am living every day wondering if my mother is alive or dead.  Is that overly dramatic?  Probably.  But that's how I feel.

After leaving her in such a bad state yesterday, I worried about her all the rest of the day and woke up worried about her.  I had told her I would call to remind her to take her meds.  I decided I'd wait until after lunch, since sometimes she sleeps late.

I started calling at 1 and got no answer, but if she went to lunch, it was possible she just wasn't back yet.  Between 1 and 2:15, I called her 5 times and there was never an answer.  I didn't want to call Atria to check on her, so I drove over there, certain I would find her dead.

The fact that there was no newspaper in her mail slot was a good sign that she had at least gotten up that morning.  I knocked and she answered the door.  I asked why she hadn't answered her phone and she said it had not rung.  I told her I had called her five times.

Then I noticed that her phone was not on the charger, where it should be and I looked around and couldn't find it.  I decided to call it to see if it would ring.  The phone in her bedroom rang, which she heard because she was standing near the door to the bedroom, but I could not hear it in the living room.  After a search, which she didn't understand why I was undertaking, I finally found the kitchen phone, under a stack of newspapers at her elbow.  It was dead.  Once I put it in the charger, it rang as soon as I called it.  

But when the phone rang, she held up the two remotes to the TV and told me that those hadn't rung.  I had to explain that those were for the TV and were not telephones.

She said she felt fine (though had NOT taken her meds) and she couldn't understand why I was so worried.  I made her take her pills, then stayed for awhile, but not the whole hour because we were expecting our new refrigerator to be delivered. 

As I went out to the car, I felt better knowing why she had not answered the phone and that she was alive, but it hit me that with everything I do almost every single day these days there is this cloud over my head wondering if my mother was going to die today or if she would live to "hunnert."  Not a fun way to live.

But new toys help.

Shortly after I got home, the new refrigerator was delivered, and it took such a short time to get it put in (we are not hooking up the ice maker, so all he had to do was essentially plug it in and tell me how long it would take to get cold) that I almost didn't get my iPhone camera out to take this photo as he was having Walt sign for delivery and rushing back out to his truck again.

I love it.  It's going o take a little adjustment to figure out where to put everything, since it's a bit smaller than the other one and the configuration is different, but I love having the freezer on the bottom instead of the side by side, which I grew to hate, over the years, since there just never seemed to be enough room for everything.

The nicest surprise, though was discovering that though this is a grey finish and it matches my non-magnetic stove and non-magnetic microwave, the refrigerator is magnetic and so I will be able to put (most of) my magnets back on again. Walt is disappointed.

After waiting 6 hours for the refrigerator and freezer to get cold, Walt got the shelves all untaped and in lace and then all I had to do was find where everything I had taken out was going to live in the new refrigerator.  The counter held about 1/3 of what needs to go back  The refrigerator out in the garage is filled too and that is going to be more of a challenge, but that will wait for tomorrow.

 

A Death of Sorts

When you get to be our age, you are used to having to say good bye to old friends, and today we are in the throes of saying goodbye to another old and loyal friend.  When I went to get butter out of the fridge two days ago, I thought it odd that it was already a spreadable consistency, not a solid block.  Then when I went to serve Walt some ice cream for dessert it was kind of soft, but Walt had just bought it, so maybe it was a coincidence.  The next night it was softer, so I told Walt there was something wrong with the fridge, so he thoroughly cleaned all the vents and said he hoped that would fix the problem.  When I went to get a bottle of water, it was room temperature.

We have decided it's time to replace the fridge.  At our age, whenever we replace a major piece of equipment, we assume that this is the last time we will ever buy a [whatever].  Last kitchen appliance purchase was the microwave.  The fridge has lasted us 18 years and a new one may last close to that, but I hope by the time it is dying, I will either have beaten it to the grave or moved into a home!

So tomorrow is the day we will go fridge shopping.  I was off in San Ramon going to Char's book club today and Walt was busy all day, moving frozen stuff to our almost-never-used-now freezer in the garage and the most perishable refrigerator things into his mother's old fridge in our garage (she had that fridge when I MET her more than 50 years ago!  Somehow we inherited it and it has sat, plugged in, in our garage ever since she got rid of it!  Walt keeps it filled with big jugs of water, just to help keep it cold)

Anybody who has seen me post photos of our kitchen at any time knows that the refrigerator is a giant canvas on which all of the magnets I have purchased all over the world, the gift magnets, the sentimental magnets, etc. have been on display.  

So when I returned from San Ramon and walked into the kitchen it was a HUGE shock.

All the magnets are gone (well, they are in a box in the living room) and if we purchase a fridge to match the stove and microwave, which we probably will, it will not have a magnetized door and what will I do with all those magnets now?

But it is always exciting shopping for new toys and I look forward to seeing what is out there tomorrow.

My day was less strenuous than Walt's and a lot more fun.  I drove to Char's and we went to book club.  We were discussing "The Rosie Effect," and there was pretty unanimous opinion that we didn't like it nearly as much as the previous "The Rosie Project."

On the way back to Char's house and my car, we stopped off to drop a book by her daughter's house.  I opted to stay in the car, fearing that if I went to the door with her we would get to chatting and I was worried about time, since I had to review a show tonight and was facing rush hour traffic...and the show had a 7:30 p.m. curtain, not 8.

While I sat there--it was about 90 degrees outside--I decided what should be the perfect 'let the punishment fit the crime' punishment for people who leave their kids or animals in a hot car for "just a minute" while they run an errand.  They should be sentenced to sit in a car, in the sun, for half an hour--or maybe an hour, with a guard outside making sure they can't open the door or crank a window or remove their seat belt. Char was gone only 5 minutes and I cannot believe how much hotter it got in those 5 minutes  I could have opened the door to let in a bit of air, but, knowing she was coming right back, I wanted to experience what a baby would experience left, securely buckled and unable to move, in a car seat while the car got hotter and hotter.

It ain't fun!

The ride home was slow, but could have been worse.  Once I'd passed a certain point the 10 mph line of cars started to open up and it was pretty much clear sailing all the rest of way home...and I got about 2-1/2 hours of my audio book finished.

I didn't realize I had left my cane in Char's car until Walt and I got to the Music Circus later that night and I went to get it to go into the theater.  I always leave it in the car because I need it for stairs and sometimes for slopes (also for the sympathy vote when groups are waiting for the parking lot elevator!).  I texted her and she said that yes, it was there.  It will probably be a month before I pick it up (next book club meeting), but fortunately I have another cane here and that will do me all right...just not as convenient as my regular cane, which folds into 3 nice pieces to safely stow under a seat when I'm at the theater.