Happy Birthday

The VW was sitting in the parking lot when I was there this afternoon and it gave me a little pang.

Today would have been Peach's birthday (80th, I think) and when she was still living here in California, what she wanted was a green VW.  When she and Bob got a reverse mortgage, he got the truck he'd always wanted and she got her green VW.

It was odd that she wanted her own car.  She was not a big driver.  In fact, I remember when she first got her driver's license.  Whenever we went out driving, when she came to an intersection, she would stop cold and if there was a car she could see in any direction--even a couple of blocks away, she would wait until the car passed before she moved.  (She lived in kind of a remote area, so there was rarely a line-up behind her.)  As an adult, I rarely saw her drive until Bob had his stroke, and then it turned out to be a good thing that she had her little VW.  It was her daily visits to Bob that got him through the stroke that few thought he would survive.

(I thought Bob would die not long after Peach did, they were so close but he, too, has Alzheimers and I guess that is keeping him going.)

(with daughter, Karen)

Peach and I were friends almost from birth.  She was 3 yrs older than I but there are photos of us together when I was, say, 2.

(with our cousin Ken)

I remember visiting her when she spent a year in a boarding school in San Francisco, when she was maybe 10.

When I was in grammar school, my mother and Peach's mother did a month-long cousin exchange once a year.  I would spend 2 weeks in the country with Peach while her sister spent 2 weeks in the city with my sister Karen, then we'd switch.

So many memories of those days!  I remember going to school with her once and so excited to think about when I would be in high school and would study mythology, because she was studying it and obviously we would have the same curriculum (we never did study mythology)

I remember sitting under the weeping willow on her front lawn harmonizing to "You Are my Sunshine."  I remember the very hot day (well over 100) when we were walking home from "the little store", standing in the middle of the street while she braided my hair (I don't know why!). 

I remember when we visited our grandmother and spent long hours up in a tree eating apples and talking about life, or swatting bees as we picked blackberries.

I remember being older and going on a date with one of Bob's best friends (Peach swore he never married because he was carrying a life-long torch for me, which I don't believe at all!)  I remember making an anniversary dinner for her parents, where we colored all the food (red potatoes?) making things so inedible, my uncle had to take my aunt out to dinner (because we had  eaten all the normal-colored leftovers in the fridge while we were cooking).  I remember onion and mustard sandwiches over endless games of canasta.

I remember being maid of honor at her wedding.  When her son Mike was born I was his godmother

We had a period of a couple of decades where we were estranged because she didn't like being a mother of small children and my growing family was too painful a reminder of those days for her.

We reconnected and then came those wonderful years of Cousins Days that we spent with our cousin Kathy and my mother, once a month for about four years.  

I remember flying to Iowa as she was about to begin chemo for her breast cancer, staying 2 weeks to be as supportive as I could.  Other than the cancer, it was a wonderful time for us to bond and when we had our last deep conversation the day before I left, I knew I would never see her again.

Now Peach is gone and Kathy is gone and my mother is as good as gone and on their birthdays, I get kind of misty eyed remembering the decades when we were close.

Happy birthday, Peach.  I hope you're getting together with all the family that has gone before me.....

It's Over

Peach has finally ended her journey and has gone home.

I am numb

The Messsage

A couple of days ago, I said that by today there would be big news from Peach and there is.  Unfortunately, it's not the way I had hoped it would be, but I'll do my best for her.

I think I may have said...or maybe not...that she was recently diagnosed with brain cancer.  She spent several days in the hospital during which she had an amazing experience that she wants to tell the world about.  She was directed to post a video about it on October 1, and for the past 2 weeks we have been working together to get her script written.  It's been a sometimes frustrating collaboration and finally a few days ago, after some 70 emails, I told her I thought the script was exactly the way she wanted it to be and she should go ahead and record it as is.

They made the recording yesterday, but nobody had a way to upload it to YouTube, so they were going to send it to me and I would upload it.  Unfortunately, I only received 53 seconds of the video.  It is probably at least 5 minutes long.  I have requested that they re-send and if that doesn't work, I'll see if I can help them upload it directly.  But I know it was very important for her that her message get out on this day, so I'm going to copy it here.  I'm cleaning it up just a very little bit to make it a bit more clear, I hope, but this is almost exactly the way she wanted to tell her story.

If anyone wants to see the short video, it is here, on YouTube.  The tumor is affecting her eyesight, among other things, so she is reading the script but is having difficulty with it, though I printed it for her bold, in large print.

Hi, my name is Carolyn and I have brain cancer. I’d like to tell you my story.

Bob Tucker, my husband, had 3 brain bleeds at the end Oct of 2013. My daughter and her husband thought it would help all of us if we were to rent a house right across the street from them in New Hampton, Iowa so they could help us. I thought it was a great idea.

We got Bob to a Dr Cherril and she took good care of him.

It was a cold old winter in New Hampton that year and we had difficulty taking care of the house. We moved to Mallard Point, a senior living facility, in Cedar Falls atthe end of. February. My son paid for Bob's bath on Tuesday and Thursday from Comfort Care in Mallard Point.

In mid Sept of 2014 I found a lump in my breast. I went to Cedar Falls Arrowhead Clinic to get checked out. Things went too fast, I felt like I was on a running train. Next I was in a doctor's office at Covenent Clinic in Waterloo , just me and the Dr.. He checked the X-rays, came over to me and said you have breast cancer in,your right breast and we're going to have to take it out. I had 2 lumps in my breast and one lymph node was affected, though they removed 8 nodes. None of the others were affected

I went to Covenant Clinic Hospital in Waterloo right away and met with another doctor. He knew exactly what to do, Next step, surgery

I had surgery on my right breast , had it taken off. My other daughter came from Mexico to help take care of me, only the lump and a node and my breast were gone, I felt disfigured. I went to see Dr Nadi at the Covenant Clinic in Waterloo. He opted for all three chemo treatments at one time for several weeks.

After the first chemo nothing helped, I was sick, lost 15 lbs and kinda turned gray for awhile. All the residents at Mallard Point where we stayed said so. (It’s a great place to live, it's all done for you, check it out under Holiday Retirement on its own website.)

In Nov of 2014 Dr Nadi started me off with 3 different kinds of Chemo, the bad kind, I started the treatment. The following week I went in to see him, I was gray and sick. So back to Dr Nadi, I listened real hard, and me and the family listened hard and we all decided it's the Quality Over Quantity is the best of both worlds right now and I knew I had to be with Bob the whole time till we got it fixed. And I could not be with him if I was going to be so sick from the chemo, so I opted for no more Chemo. Dr. Nadi said the cancer would come back.  We just didn't know where yet.

Things went fine for several months, then on July 3 my dog Sophie needed grooming, I took her out the back door with her leash, introduced her to the groomer who she knew and then I said "let's go get into the cage" She walked the other way I turned and tried to grab the leash. Well as I did, I lost the leash, spun around to get it and I fell on the right side of my head, which hurt, and I saw my wrist popped out of place, I grabbed the wrist and Prayed a few minutes. Patrick Kane the Mallard bus driver, took me over to Arrowhead Clinic. They put me to sleep put my wrist back together with a brace till the following Monday when I could get to the doctor to get some help. Even though I told them at Arrowhead, they never checked out my head cause there was no blood I guess, so Sophie got to the groomer and I went to the clinic. They gave me hydrocodone for the pain that weekend till it calmed down.

The following Monday, I went to the hospital for surgery (it was all happening too fast) I had a white cast on and scheduled an appt on the 26th for cast and pin removal.

On Aug 20th the pain didn't hurt any more so I stopped taking the Hydrocodone, next I got the heaves bad, almost every hour on the hour with chills. When I went to the ER and they told me it was because of the hydrocodone that I was going through withdrawal from the hydrocodone.

On Aug 24 I was still vomiting at the home of my daughter and son-in-law till Aug 31st. I had an appointment with Dr Sandell. She said my potassium was low enough to get me into the hospital.
On Sep 1 I tried to be brave and do it alone, I got on the porta potty. I got up to get back in bed and fell to my side, hit my head and they immediately did a CAT scan and an MRI. They found a large tumor in the cerebellum and a few other spots. I was shocked it was all a big blur to me.

The Dr decided that I would have one radiation treatment of 20 minutes and 4 five minute treatments on Sep 3rd.

We finally went to the Covenant Clinic Hospital on Monday to get the pins put in my hand and a new red psychedelic cast on for all the Mallard Point to see!

On the weekend I couldn't stop throwing up - everything, my daughter brought me to her house while I was throwing up all the time, no matter what I ate. I even fell on the floor, hit the top of my head, and her husband put me back to bed. I stayed from the 23rd of September till the cast came off
I knew that my blood pressure was at 190, plus I was still throwing up. Here it gets a little fuzzy, I think I went to the hospital for 7 days, my blood pressure was high, 190' my potassium was way low. On I think it was the 3rd day in the middle of the night I heard this song.  (on the video she sings this)

Here I am lord,
It is I lord
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go lord
If you need me
I will hold you closer to my heart

The next morning my blood pressure went down to 141 and my potassium went to normal. I knew exactly what to do, God had told me. He even gave me the names of people who might win football. And the people who would help me. He told me a name and a date.  He said I have way too much work to do before I'm finished with this life, he really needed me, my castle is not all fixed yet.

It was a religious experience for me, never had one before. I feel meek with power what ever I do now, God talks to me in many ways. I know stuff I shouldn't know, but I accept what he's telling me. I do what He wants me to till He is finished with me

Only one other strange thing that happened while my daughter Karen was with me. Around 7am we saw the blessed mother that my best friend named Burt Marshall gave to me when she died. I don't know if belongs to the Church or not, will find out, anyway. On the top of her head there was a huge aura, I asked Karen to take photos at least 5 and one for my grandson so he would have one. All the photos are ~ NOT ~ there, they disappeared forever. I told Father Mark from St Joseph in New Hampton, Iowa that I was still waiting to see her again.

God bless the Pope for helping me know what God said to me without him knowing it, he blessed me all the while he was here and I knew what to say he will know what I'm to say on the appointed date

Saturday at Home

Today was actually warm today.  Well, relatively speaking.  It got all the way up to 39, which would have me turning on the heat at home, but I was standing outside enjoying the "warm" weather.

When I woke up and saw that Peach had put on her family reunion shirt, I surprised her because I had brought my shirt too.

For breakfast I had my last Iowa biscuits and gravy, something new I have come to enjoy. (But my friend Jessica tells me she's from Iowa and can keep me happy.)

We didn't do much this morning, except 3 loads of laundry.

Lunch was good and Peach was feeling so good she decided to go play cards with some friends, the first time she has felt good enough for games.  I came back to the apartment with Bob and finished the laundry and putting away the clean clothes.  I was going to meet Peach for cards, but Bob was confused about what time the upcoming afternoon's entertainment was, so I stayed with him and went to see Kirk Eastman give a concert, called "Dancing through the Decades," music mostly of the 50s.  DooWop music.

He played recorded songs on a karaoke machine, with backup accompaniment and singers, and accompanied himself on the guitar...or sometimes not.

One couple danced

and the audience watched.

Bob was exhausted when the concert was over, so sat in his walker and I pushed him back to the apartment.  When we got here, we discovered that the family of Bert, the lady who lives next door and who has terminal cancer (they hoped she would live till Thanksgiving, which she has done) were decorating the tree right outside her window.

Then my mother called to tell me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go to Thanksgiving dinner, so please don't come and pick her up.

So there is that to return to next week.  Sigh.

Marshmallow Sandwich

I've been here at Mallard Point long enough to see a pattern in the meals, where rarely is anything wasted.  What is supper tonight will show up in a dish for dinner tomorrow, or maybe even breakfast.  I don't have too many specific examples (except that a day or two after anything with potatoes in it, you can be sure we'll have potato soup, which is delicious).  

However, tonight's "turkey waldorf" was a new one for me.  Waldorf salad of a couple of days ago, mixed with leftover turkey and spread on a slice of bread.  Waldorf salad here is a mix of grapes, pineapple, pecans, and marshmallows with some kind of liquid.  Hence, when I bit into my sandwich tonight, I could see grapes and marshmallows (unfortunately I ate the marshmallow before I thought to take a photo).

The white circle is where the marshmallow used to be.  Dennis' salad shows remnants of several recent dishes.

From the slices of ham we had for breakfast the other day, to the curly pasta fettucini, to some sort of fruit, to the side dish of peas.  Nothing is wasted.

It was a lazy day.  Contrary to my fears, after I finished Funny the World at midnight and went to the couch to try to sleep, I fell asleep quickly, cocooned under a heavy layer of blankets (including a 49er blanket) and slept all night, not waking until nearly 7.

By the time Peach and I got up, Kris, Tom, Miranda and Matthew had been out Black Friday shopping for hours.  We had our coffee and sat on the couches, while Princess (with whom I fell in love) sunned herself.

Kris and Tom didn't buy much and left Miranda and Matthew still shopping while they came home to have breakfast with us, pack the truck up, and head back to Cedar Falls.

The landscape is pretty bleak around here at this time of the year and this is pretty much what it looked like for the better part of the not quite an hour it took to drive back. They say in summer this is all corn.

I said good bye to Kris, who won't be back, now, until Wednesday, when Peach has her next treatment.  It was sad to say goodbye, but I have known her two siblings all these years better than Kris and this trip has given me a chance to get to know her, Tom and Matthew a bit better.  Kris was born a week or so after Walt and I got married, and was the reason Peach and Bob could not come to our wedding...so I told her I will never forget how old she is!

She and Tom have been so good to me while I've been here and I have really appreciated all they have done.

The three old fogies (and the two old doggies) were worn out when we got back.  We had had a very busy time for two days, relaxing and eating and relaxing some more.  It was a difficult life.  We managed to stagger to the dining room to be fed a delicious meal after we got back home, but then we headed back to the apartment where Bob took a nap and Peach and I just kind of vegetated.  I may have dozed off too.

Bob and I went to dinner, while Peach heated some cream of tomato soup in the apartment.  Then we watched a movie and called it a night.  As I said, it was a quiet day and we needed it after all the excitement of the previous two days.

(My god are we old!!!)

I'm going to miss this place, a bit, but I probably won't make a marshmallow sandwich when I get home.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This is the house where Matt and Miranda live, with the Santa in front of it, taken from in front of Kris and Tom's house.

This is the house where Kris and Tom live (on the right), taken from the porch of Matt's house,.

When it is this cold...

...and you have food and feeble old people to get from one house to the other, you drive.  Believe it or not, I took the picture of Kris & Tom's house standing on Matthew's porch in my stocking feet.  But it had warmed up to 7 by then.

It was a full day.  A very full day, starting with Peach getting all dressed up in her Thanksgiving finery and wearing one of her two new wigs, looking very beautiful and festive.

Miranda and Matt came over for breakfast.  Tom cooked his famous "Iowa skillet" (I think that was what he called it.  Not sure what he called it before they moved to Iowa)

Shortly after breakfast we packed up and moved the feast across the street, where Miranda had prepared a groaning board of hors d'oeuvres.

Peach and I worked together to make the stuffing for the turkey.

And then Peach stuffed the bird.

While Miranda and Matt were working together in the kitchen.

This was the first Thanksgiving dinner they had prepared and they wanted to get it right.  Miranda had worked a double shift at the store where she works yesterday and had not gotten home until 3 a.m.  She was amazing.

While everything cooked, the gang looked over newspaper inserts trying to plan Black Friday shopping.

Peach and I had a Skype conference with my mother, Ned and Walt.

Eventually the turkey came out of the oven and Tom carved it.

Miranda's table looked beautiful...and she even had special Thanksgiving plates.

I had been planning to make a pumpkin pie, but through a series of hilarious and too complicated to add here circumstances, I made a cherry cheesecake instead.  Tom had purchased a Marie Callender's pumpkin pie as a back-up, so I figured I would have pumpkin pie anyway.

However, that was the one failure of the night.  Nobody ate the pumpkin pie.

We drove back across the street and started to watch the 49er-Seahawk game (sorry, Tom Sykes!) but my body cried out to lie down, at least for a little.  I went into a back room and passed out on the couch, waking at 11, finding myself covered with blankets and everyone else in bed.  Nice that I woke up in time to write this...and to be here when Jeri called to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.

And it was a happy Thanksgiving.  I hope everyone reading this had a good day too.

A Hair-Raising Tale

I'm going to let this be pretty much a photo entry, except occasionally, because I think the photos are powerful enough.  Let me start by saying that whenever you see movies about women with cancer, there is usually that moment, after starting chemotherapy, when they wake up and find a long golden lock of hair on their pillow. Well, it doesn't exactly happen that way.  

Yesterday, I noticed that Peach's hair looked "different." By "different," I meant that the consistency seemed different.  Not alive, really, if that makes sense.  That afternoon, she told me she was "shedding."  Her clothes looked like she'd just held a shedding dog in her lap.

This morning she got out of the shower and said that two clumps of hair had fallen out.  We knew it was time to take matters into her own hands.

Today, this day before Thanksgiving, we came to Kristie and Tom's house, where we would make preparations for tomorrow's Thanksgiving dinner.  Kristie would also shave Peach's head.

First she tried on some knit caps to wear afterwards.

The first picture was right after she had her hair cut at Mallard Place last week, the second is shortly after we arrived at Kristie's (notice how the hair has lost its "rich" look?) and the third was a few minutes later, after trying on some caps and discovering how much of her hair had come off when she removed the cap.

So Kris poured her some wine and started the process.

When it was over, Bob was there.

 

She chose a cap to wear

 

And the two of us shared a glass of wine.

 

Later, all the family got food ready for tomorrow, but that is a story for another day.  The deed is done and another indignity of cancer has taken place.

Why Don't You...?

I have a good hearted, well meaning casual friend who always knows what I should do, whether it's where to eat, what Netflix videos I should watch, which airline I should fly, or how to deal with my mother. She has a wealth of information and is not shy about pushing her suggestions on me, though I never ask for her advice.

The problem is that rarely will her suggestions work for me.  She does not have insight into the intricacies of my personal life, what my mother (whom she has never met) is really like, or what my taste in movies is (as I said, this is a casual friend!) 

 

I listen, thank her for her advice and then usually ignore her because I'm going to do what works best for me.

This line of thinking came up in the first place because of the Question of the Day on "What's My Answer" this morning:  Have you ever faced a difficult situation when you had to choose between sorting it out yourself, or asking someone else for an easy fix? What did you choose — and would you make the same choice today?

I thought about her as Peach and I talked about her meeting with the doctor yesterday and the options which were explained to her.  In truth, I don't even know what I would advise her, but I watch her seriously thinking about the pros and cons of continuing chemo or stopping it.  She will know more after her next round of treatment next week, but there are very serious considerations that will enter into her decision, Bob's physical and mental condition foremost among them, added to her age and chance for longevity if the cancer had not been part of the equation in the first place. And of course that all important quality of life.

What is clear after yesterday is that she has people in her corner, knowledgeable medical people, who will support whatever choices she makes along this strange new journey on which she has embarked.

We had a busy afternoon.  Tom came for lunch and then he, Peach and I went to the hospital to see the surgeon.  Fluid had collected at the surgery again and needed to be drained.

 

You can see the little spout that is inserted in Peach's surgery site, where more fluid is leaking, as Dr. Sevaride empties the syringe.  Last week he removed 215 cc of fluid, this time it was 350 cc.  He says eventually the fluid will become clear, that everything is normal, and that she just needs to come back whenever she needs a draining.

There was time after the appointment to stop by Durable Medical Equipment to modify the mastectomy bras Peach had and check out other supplies.

 

With all that happening, we still got back to Mallard Point in time to catch almost all of the concert by Monty King, who is a preacher, and who performs at four facilities around this area (Monty and his wife live at Mallard Point).

 

Monty had a surprise for Peach and, inspired by Peach & Bob's tale of interacting with Humphrey the Wayward Whale back in 1985, he played "Sweet Caroline" for them, the song they had playing on a loop on their boat when Humphrey decided to follow them.

After the concert we headed right into the dining room for a classic comfort food dinner of celery with peanut butter, cream of tomato soup, toasted cheese sandwiches, and bread pudding.  I felt like I was a kid back in my parents flat again!

A Real Happy Thanksgiving

I'm getting used to Sophie coming in from outside in the morning and licking me awake.  Sheila will politely lick me once if she needs to go outside.  Sophie is in for the full face cleaning.  It's especially memorable if it has snowed all night (as it did last night) and the dogs are cold and wet.

I was so incredibly proud of Peach today.

Tom and Kris picked us up at 8:30.  It's in the 20s and it didn't seem that cold until later in the day when we had the wind too.  Then it was cold.

Tom dropped us off at the cancer center and we waited for "the arm lady."  It turned out that we got the date wrong and her appointment was before next week's chemo session, but Kathy had time for us today, so she took Peach anyway.

I like this lady so much and both of the appointments I've been to have been so positive.

She had positive things to say about the new accumulation of fluid (to be drained tomorrow), she went over again the things Peach needs to do and best of all, she got her on the exam table and gave her good massage, which relaxed her so much that by the time she got to the doctor's office, her blood pressure was lower than it usually is...not low enough to worry, but enough to be a significant decrease.

After a long wait (we are learning that part of the routine of cancer care is waiting.  waiting.  waiting), we were taken back for the routine blood draw.

The other times they have tried to draw blood from the inserted port in her chest, they have had to work hard at getting anything.  The first time they had to take it by the old fashioned way, with needles into veins.  Last time they got her contorted into all sorts of positions to get the blood started.  This time it responded perfectly.  Good blood.

Then it was time to meet Dr. Nadi.  We waited forEVer in the exam room (after having waited forever for the blood draw), but when he came in, Peach took charge.  She was informed, well-read, and had good questions to ask.  Also, the social worker she had seen last week came into the room for support (Dr. Nadi was taken aback by the size of her support group!).  And he listened while she explained her concerns and asked her questions.

Basically she said she is 75 years old and she wanted to know what were her chances of surviving this cancer with and without chemotherapy, and what were her chance for a recurrence with and without chemo.  She explained about her fear (stressed "fear" more than once), and the hell her first week had been, talked about her quality of life and the difficulty of caring for Bob when she is feeling so bad.  

She laid it all out and he answered her honestly.

He admitted that if she were 80, he might advise her differently.  He did agree with her figures about surviving with and without treatment, the biggest point seeming to be that if she survives 5 years without chemo and if the cancer were to pop up again in another organ in 5 years, chemo then night not be effective without treatment now.  But he freely admitted that this was a decision she alone had to make.  He agreed that "quality of life" is an important consideration and only she could decide that question.

He said that he's fairly certain that subsequent treatments aren't going to be as horrible as the first one was because he has altered her regimen.

Best of all, he decided that since Thanksgiving is Thursday, he would skip her chemo treatment this week so that she would be able to enjoy the holiday.  Her next treatment is not scheduled until December 3, the day after I leave.

So the connections to the port were removed and she's free to enjoy Thanksgiving week. And that alone is enough reason to give thanks.  Decisions about what happens next can be made after she sees how the next round goes.

We came home and she took a 2 hour nap and said it was the best sleep she's had in more that 2 weeks.