Done

I woke up with butterflies in my stomach.  I felt the way I did back in 1913 when we were moving her to Atria.  My mood darkened when I saw that it was POURING outside.  Bad omen.  I got a text message from Sandy about what I should bring with my mother when we brought her.  I went to CVS and bought about $50 worth of "toiletries" and a bag for them as well as some GREAT slippers that will be perfect...and since they fit me, I know they will fit her

The plan was to go to the Atria hairdresser at 2 p.m. so she would not look like a witch with straggly hair, and then Ned and Walt would meet me and we would pack her up and head for Woodland by 3:45.  When I got into the car, there was blue in the sky.  Good omen?  Even better was a parking place at Atria. Definitely a good omen.

Don't believe in omens.  Though they told me she had been in good spirits in the morning, she was in HORRIBLE spirits when I got there.  From time to time, she decides that things aren't being run right, that the people in charge don't know what they are doing and, if I'm there, somehow it's my fault.  I couldn't say anything to her that didn't evoke a complaint and anger that I was trying to get her to go to her apartment.

I finally told her that I was taking her to get her hair cut because she's been complaining that it's so long.  Wrong thing to say.  She didn't want to go.  She doesn't want her hair cut.  I couldn't make her go.  I wasn't the boss of her.  I tried walking her down the hall and she spied Tony in the dining room and that was it for moving her forward.  She actually whirled and said "I'll HIT you if you don't leave me alone!" and then made a beeline for Tony.

One of the staff asked me if I wanted her to try getting her to the hair dresser and I thanked her and went off to the apartment to start packing.  Ned arrived with boxes and a cart to move things.  By now the staff member wasn't having any better luck than I had trying to get her hair cut.  Ned went to try and actually got her out of the memory unit, but apparently when he got to the elevator, she freaked out and refused to get in it.  So he sat with her for a long time and got her calmed down.  By the time they got to the apartment she was in good spirits (but still had long hair)

 

She was fine while we packed up and didn't even make a fuss about the mess in the apartment.  When we were finished, I went to get her meds to take to Eldervilla and then went to meet Walt and Ned and leave.

 

The saddest thing was that she has lived at Atria for 6 years and not one person said goodbye.  In fact, the director kind of blew me off.  I know it wouldn't have meant anything to my mother but I thought surely somebody would say goodbye.

We were right on time at Eldervilla -- well, a minute late.  We arrived at 4:01.  Sandy was great and seated my mother on a couch with another resident, Jeannie, who has been there three years and still doesn't know his name.

 

She and my mother chatted a lot while I went over paperwork with Sandy.  I tried to get a picture of Simba, but he wouldn't stay still long enough but I did this this.

 

My mother and Jeannie talked a lot and even sang a little together.  She was settling in nicely until I told her I was leaving, then she panicked.  While I had been going over paperwork with Sandy, Ned and Walt had been setting up her room.  When I was there before I saw the room. I thought it was nice, but somewhat like a prison cell.  Ned managed to turn it into a warm, welcoming bedroom.  You can't see it all in the photo of the day, but her big family picture is hung up and as many photos as we had (she has lost 7 of the framed photos of her family--I don't have a clue where they are.  Also, one of the pairs of shoes I bought for her (and LABELED for her) last week was also missing.  I am so glad to be out of Atria!

Anyway, I  told her goodbye and left her with Ned.  He got her calmed down and then turned her over to Sandy and we were all out of there.  I won't go back now until Jeri gets here next weekend.  By then she will have had a week to acclimate and I hope will be feeling better.

I am feeling both apprehensive about how she is doing and how she will do overnight, but also immensely relieved that she is in a place that seems much more safe and loving than Atria ever felt.

And of course it doesn't help that it's $2,000 less than Atria AND they do in-house haircuts free.

The Last Supper

Well, it wasn't really the last supper and it wasn't really supper, but I took my mother to lunch in the big dining room today, hoping to see my favorite server, Piyush, and maybe the woman we ate with all the time, Margaret.  I was in luck; we saw both.

When I got to Atria at 11:15, they told me they thought she must have been awake all night because she was sound asleep.  I guess sometimes she spends the night walking the halls (I wonder what she'll do at Eldervilla).  I managed to wake her up and she was quite verbal, but making no sense.  Talking about "she wanted me to it but I didn't think it was right."  She couldn't say who "she" was or what "it" was but she certainly was emphatic about it all.

I tried to get her dressed and put her in the shirt she wore yesterday, but she told me it didn't fit, so I put her in a different shirt and when I tried to get her pants on she said she had to go to the bathroom to pee.  I said "OK...go to the bathroom" but that was entirely too confusing for her.  She kept asking what she was supposed to do and when I answered "go to the bathroom" she accused me of trying to confuse her.

Anyway, she finally disappeared and I assumed she was going to the bathroom but when I went to check, she wasn't there.  I had visions of her wandering the halls in her shirt and Depends.  I got Ali, one of the staff, to look in other people's rooms for her and she finally found her--in the bathroom.  I don't know where she had been when I looked there.  Maybe her roommate's bedroom?

I tried to get her to put on her shoes.  The new shoes I bought her are too small and the second pair I bought has disappeared, along with the framed photos of seven of her siblings and several photo books I had made for her.  I wonder what we are going to find when we start packing up the place!  I finally got her to understand she needed to put shoes on her feet (which was also too confusing for her to understand) and as soon as she had completed that, she took them off again because I hadn't explained that she should leave them on.

We eventually were able to leave the memory unit and go to the main dining room, where she ate 3x a day for 4 years, but she didn't have a clue where we were.  Even seeing people being served food she didn't know what kind of place it was.

We both had chicken soup and then fish and chips.  The chicken soup came with visible herbs in it, which she was convinced were bugs.  She took the "bugs" out of every bite, but managed to finish the soup, leaving a pile of herbs at the bottom of the bowl.

Piyush came to say hello and I told her it was the last time we would be there at the dining room.  Then I saw Margaret leaving the room.  I called to her and she came over.  Margaret is someone my mother ate with every day for about 2-3 years and it's weird her reaction to my mother.  She acts as if she is not there, never looks at her and didn't say anything to her, but did ask me about her.  My mother, of course, had no clue who she was and just kept eating and picking "bugs" out of her soup.

The strangest, most surprising thing about Margaret is that she mentioned that Robert, a veterinarian we used to eat with, just celebrated his 102nd birthday.  She said "He's just doing great.  I'm 79 and not nearly as good as he is."  I always assumed Margaret was in her 80s and I still can't believe she's Walt's age!!!

My plan had been to take her to SuperCuts after lunch because she sorely needs a haircut and I wanted her to look nice and tidy when she moved into Eldervilla.  But I left my purse in her apartment when we went to lunch and I didn't think she could make it all the way back to the memory unit and then all the way back to the car...and even if she could, I wasn't sure I wanted to.

When we got to her apartment, I sat down to call the Atria beauty parlor again (there was nobody there yesterday) and found out they have an opening at 2 tomorrow, so that took me off the hook for SuperCuts.  When I turned around to look at her, she had taken off her shoes and was back in bed, so even if I wanted to try SuperCuts, she wouldn't have wanted to go.  But this will be better.  The timing is perfect and they can get her all fixed up and she won't sleep on the hair until that night, so it will be fresh for Eldervilla.

I was glad we didn't have to go to SuperCuts.  Days like this just take so much out of me, trying to deal with her dementia.  I had planned to go the CVS and buy toiletries for her but didn't have the energy.  I'll do that before I go to Atria.

When I left the memory unit, there was one woman letting us out the door whom I recognized and I told her that we would be moving her tomorrow.  She asked where we were going and when I told her she said her husband works there occasionally had has nothing but good things to say about it...and he loves Simba (the dog).  Another good review for Eldervilla!

When I got home, I had a call from Sandy about her arrival.  He's a like a few other people I know (like Mark, the guy who has helped us find this place) who won't let me finish sentence because he has to interrupt to give me his opinion but I got most of the information I wanted from him.  I'm so excited for this new adventure to start and sincerely hope that she will adjust.

Toenails, TB, and Turkeys

We have had so many people in and out of the house in the last few months that, with the aid of the magic button I bought which emits an ultrasonic sound that Polly can hear and humans can't, living with Polly has become much easier.  She barks when Ned comes, but not her "go away or I'll kill you" bark, her "oh it's you...give me a treat" bark that she gives both Walt and me when we come home.

She unquestioningly accepted both Walt's brother and sister, and also Jessica, our "on call" helper who comes when we need something and Ned's not around.  She even behaved herself when Mark, the guy from Seniorly, came.

So I've become rather blasé about her attitude toward visitors.  Today was an exception.  Ashley said she would come by and cut her nails and as soon as I opened the door Polly was in full "kill her" mood and even the magic button only caused her to wince and then move far away and continue to bark.  Ashley has taken care of her so often I can't understand her attitude.  She hadn't even taken her clippers out to try to cut her toenails.

But eventually with lots of help from Walt and holding her in a better position (Ashley's a pro) the nails got cut, but Polly was definitely not happy about it.

In the afternoon, I took my mother back to Kaiser to get a chest x-ray.  It was faster than the TB skin test and I could move my mother to Eldervilla sooner since we would have the results back in the morning. 

Oh I will be so glad when I don't have to go back to Atria to pick her up.  The staff seems to be mostly new (the director says no, but some people who have been there for years have rescheduled their time she says).  It didn't ring true for me and I asked the one holdover this morning and she said that yes, the staff is new.  I have not been impressed with the new staff and will be glad not to have to deal with them. 

We got the x-ray mostly easilyl but while we were sitting in the waiting room, a chatty woman joined us and happily asked me "do you like Mr. Trump?"  I said that I did not and she said "Oh dear...I love him"  Fortunately we were called for x-ray right about then.

 

On the way home I decided to drive through the cemetery since so many of the trees are in blossom.  These days my mother is less interested in trees and more interested in cars (she can't believe there are CARS parked on the street.  Everywhere.)  But I pulled over to take a picture of some of the trees and realized that the cemetery was alive with turkeys

At first I thought it was just these two,  but then there were dozens of young turkeys flocking across the road.

For a bit they blocked me into the cemetery as they paraded out across the exit and then headed off down the sidewalk to...who knows where?

My mother wasn't nearly as tickled about the turkeys as I was, but we were almost home, a place she had never seen before.  I called to have them come out and meet her, but as it was all afternoon, the phone was not answered  Fortunately someone was coming out to her car at the end of her shift, and she agreed to take my mother in.

One more day....one more day.

Tomorrow I think I will take her to lunch in the big dining room and hope we see my favorite waitress (or have all those servers been replaced too....?) and then take her for a haircut, since it's really too long and she should arrive at Eldervilla looking as neat and tidy as possible.

The Dog House

While Ned took Walt to Kaiser for a class teaching him how to use his new CPAP machine, Marta came with me to Woodland with a lovely man named Mark Wolf, of "Seniorly," a service like "A Place for Mom," which helps people find the best arrangement for their aging parents.  Mark was taking us to see a board and care home called Eldervilla.

I posted this photo a couple of days ago.

There were no turkeys in front, but it's on a nice quiet street and I liked it even before we got out of the car.

But what really sold me on the place was the sound of barking from inside the house and being greeted by Simba, a big shaggy dog, perhaps one of the cleanest dogs I've ever seen.  My mother has always loved dogs.

The place is run by an affable man from India named Sandy (actually I think his name is Sandhu, but The Psychiatrist and Mark both told me his name was Sandy).  I didn't meet his wife, who was at work, but I met the two helpers and the woman from Hospice, who visits regularly.

The place had such a warm, wonderful feeling.  There was one resident sitting on the couch listening to us and laughing.  The TV was on but it was just the aquarium, interesting to look at, but not something inane to mesmerize someone.

There was the smell of cooking that filled the house and someone was making lunch for the residents.

Two women were at a table with another helper playing a game or something.  One woman was asleep in her room another was in her room watching television and the last was a man who may or may not have mobility problems, who was sitting in his room.  But the atmosphere was just one of...I don't know...life.  You don't get that at Atria.  And I loved it that Simba followed us everywhere.  There is another dog, who is kind of protective of the woman watching TV and growled but Sandy assures us that once she knows you, she's fine.

My mother's room would be very small, with just a single bed (not a double, as she has now) and a chair.  Everything is furnished--the bed, the furniture, the linens, etc.  It's conducive to her NOT spending her time in her room, but joining others out in the living room.  I can see her straightening things up when she feels comfortable there.  There is also a nice view out her window of the street in front of the house.

The bathroom is amazing, all the features they have, such as a temperature gauge on the shower so they can have the water just the way each person likes, safety bars everywhere.  And there is a bidet that fits onto the toilet seat.

I was impressed with the way they lock the front door, which would be pretty much impossible for any of the residents (all of whom have dementia) to figure out.

There is a very large back yard, which is pretty bare right now but which will be more lush as spring approaches.

The more Sandy talked, the more I liked it.  It's everything I had hoped for for her and the best part is that it was recommended by The Psychiatrist, whose patient is one of the residents, and he visits regularly, so it's not like I'm going into it blind hoping that it's a reputable place.  It also has a 5 star rating and over the past several years, Mark showed us that on its inspections, it has never had more than a couple of small violations for paperwork.

Best of all, it's $2,000 less a month than she is paying at Atria.

Sandy made a trip to Atria to interview her, but she was sleeping.  He did talk to her a bit and talked with the staff there, who told him about her aggression, but he decided that she would fit into Eldervilla and so we're all set.  I was going to move her on Tuesday, but she needs a recent TB test first, so we'll postpone her moving until then, but possibly by the end of this week.

We have to give Atria a 30 day notice, which I did immediately, and I assume this means that we can move her out and take our sweet time moving her stuff out of her apartment.  Then we just have to figure out what to do with it all, since it won't fit in her room at Eldervilla.

I really think this could work and be so much better for her, once she settles in. 

And there is the wonderful dog.  I am sorry I didn't take her picture when we were there.  I know my mother will love her.

Sunday Stealing

1. I wish I had enough money to ________.
make a significant difference in the lives of all the children I sponsor around the world (e.g. building water/bathroom facilities where there are none)

2. If you had to enter a competition for the "Most Uselessly Unique Talent," what would your talent be?
I can wiggle my ears -- sort of.  I also know the deaf sign language alphabet and often use bad words in sign language instead of saying them.

3. When it might hurt their feelings, how do you feel about telling your friends the truth?
I guess it depend on how serious the truth is.  I have lost a friend because of telling her about something serious.  Not sorry I did it, but sorry I lost the friendship.

4. Peanut or plain?
Depends.  For peanut butter, definitely plain. For anything that you can add peanuts to, definitely add peanuts! 

5. Is there someone you would like to take your place in life for one day? Who and why?
I'd like my mother's stepson to come and spend a day dealing with problems concerning my mother.

6. Who was your favorite teacher and why?
Sister Anne my junior year typing teacher, was my favorite teacher and then my friend until her death many years later.  Daughter Jeri is named for her (Jerilyn Anne).  Why? I dunno.  We just clicked.

7. What do you think is the ugliest thing or event on Earth?
Wow...so many Trump-related things from which to choose, starting with his smirk, the sight of him hugging any of the dictators he seems to admire, or the sight of jailed children longing for parents they will never see again.

8. What is your least favorite of your personality traits or quirks?
Again, so many from which to choose, but if I start mentioning them I might have to start DOING something about them.

9. I wish I could see ________ because _________.
Paul and David, because I miss them every day, even though it's been 20 years

10. Tell us your favorite children's story.
There was a story I used to love when I was a little kid about a family who lived in China, where it was illegal to eat pork.  They raised pigs and one day their barn burned down and in reaching inside to see if any of the pigs were alive, the father poked a burned pig and put his finger in his mouth to cool it off...discovering how delicious roasted pork is.  I've mentioned this story before and someone found a web site where the whole essay is printed, though not in the simple child-like story I remember.

11. Explain how to play your favorite game.
I miss my cousins.  When we had Cousins Day for several years with my mother we always played a game we called "65," though I think the official name is "Crowns."  It's a card game that is probably entirely too complicated to explain, but we loved it.

12. What do you keep in the trunk of your car?
The usual car care stuff, a blanket, recycle bags for groceries, bottled water (moved a bottle at a time to the inside, depending on whether I'm out of drinking water of not, and my walker.

13. Tell us about your favorite way to get lost in a simple activity � running, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, whatever. What�s it like when you�re in "the zone"?
In the zone for me is generally sitting here at  the computer, suddenly realizing that several hours have passed.  I can also get lost in reading a good book, though I am more aware of the time then.

14. What�s your dream tourist destination � either a place you�ve been and loved, or a place you�d love to visit? What about it speaks to you?
I have always wanted to go to Africa because of my love of the big animals, but at 76, with all sort of minor physical problems, I don't see that happening now.  I've also wanted to go through the inland passage to Alaska, though with my mother still alive, travel is not possible because I don't want to be so far away in an emergency.
[ASIDE:  She got into the board and care home we visited yesterday and will move on Tuesday!!!]

15. What parts of nature do you like best?
I am a freak for Nature specials on TV, mostly the animal ones, especially elephants and apes of all sizes.  This time of year, I love driving somewhere where there is an explosion of wildflowers.  I have heard that with all the rain it is going to be gorgeous this year, but since we aren't "traveling" right now, we will miss it.

16. What kind of program do you enjoy most on TV--detective shows, comedies, game shows--and why?
Crime dramas like NCIS, NCIS-LA, Criminal Minds, SVU and I just decided I think I'm going to like the new Whiskey Cavalier.  I don't know because I'm so NOT into violence, but maybe it plays to something in the dark part of my soul.  Mostly I like the shows because of the camaraderie among the teams.

17. Do you know any professional athletes?
Our son went to school with a guy who played football, for a time, on the Vikings.  It was most fun the year they were in the Super Bowl.

18. What will the next must-have technological innovation be? Jetpacks? Hoverboards? Wind-powered calculators?
I don't know, but I probably won't get it for years.  I am not one to hop on the latest technological innovation, but wait until the excitement dies down--and I know the thing really WORKS the way everyone hoped it would (and the price has dropped a bit!)

19. Have you ever been the victim of a crime?
When I was a kid, someone broke into our house and stole the contents of my piggy bank (among other things).  I still feel violated.  Someone also broke into David's car, after his death, and stole his brand new radio/tape player.  And then there was the little incident of my sister being murdered by her partner, but that was so long ago it almost doesn't seem real any more

20. What if you woke up tomorrow with the ability to understand animals. What do you think you�d hear from them?
I want to have a conversation with Polly to see if I've interpreted all of her conversational barks with us correctly. 

21.What is something that makes you melancholy?
The current state of the world and this country's role in it, my mother's increasing dementia, missing Paul and David.

Saturday 9

Come Saturday Morning (1969)
Unfamiliar with this week's tune.  Hear it here.

1) What are your plans for this Saturday morning?
I don't know.  We just looked at a board and care home I hope to move my mother to, and if all goes well, we might start moving her Saturday.

2) In this song, a man sings of going away for the day with a friend. Where did you go on your last day trip?
We have spent so much time going to Kaiser this past month, I can't remember a last day trip that was NOT to Kaiser!

3) The lyrics say, "we will remember long after Saturday's gone." What's something you've done recently that you predict you'll remember for a long time to come?
Well, if this board and care home works out, the first meeting with the owner is something I will remember pleasantly for a long time to come.

4) This song was the Oscar-nominated theme from the movie The Sterile Cuckoo. What's the first movie song that pops into your head?
"The Man That Got Away" from A Star Is Born

5) In the movie, Liza Minnelli played Mary Ann Adams, an eccentric girl everyone called "Pookie." Have you ever been known by a memorable nickname? Who gave it to you?
I haven't, but in her teens my mother was called 'Chubbie' by a guy who was living in their house.  My aunt picked it up and soon everyone called her Chubbie.  Now she is known as Aunt Chubby by the next generation.

6) Today's group began their career as The Grads. Recording artist/producer Herb Alpert liked their sound but hated their name. Alpert picked "sandpiper" at random out of the dictionary. Do you still have and use a bound dictionary? Or do you rely on the internet for word searches and spelling?
I'm afraid I haven't used a bound dictionary in a very long time.  I'm an internet gal.

7) The biggest news story of 1969, the year this song was popular, was one of the biggest news stories of all time. On July 20, Neil Armstrong stepped foot on the moon. Other than the moon landing, what's the most consequential event that you've seen in your lifetime. How do you feel it changed America, and the world?
The assassination of John F. Kennedy (11/22/63).  In this day when the press no longer protects/respects politicians, it's hard to know what the Kennedy administration was really like, but it seems like the country has not been the same since.

8) 1969 was a big year for music festivals, with Atlanta, Toronto and Woodstock all holding famous fests. Have you visited Georgia, Ontario or New York (state)?
I don't think I've been in Ontario, but I have been in Georgia (once) and New York (several times, both NYC and other parts of New York.

9) Random question -- According to some plant enthusiasts, house plants do better when they're spoken to. Do you talk to your plants?
I no longer have house plants.  I killed them all, gradually, but when I had them, I did, from time to time, talk to them.  My mother, when she was a gardener swore by talking to plants, which is why they flourished.

Crossed Fingers

We had a meeting with the director of the memory unit yesterday.  There's no getting around it.  If we can't hire a caregiver for her, she will have to move.  We now pay about $7,000/month and a caregiver will add an additional $20/hour which will soon break the bank.

But what to do?  What to do?  People recommended the other facility in town, The Carlton.  I hoped to get information from a friend who lives there, but have not had a response to my email (and I don't have her phone number).

In the meantime I called The Psychiatrist (remember him?) hoping he might have some suggestions.  He suggested a board and care home and told me about one in nearby Woodland (~10 miles away).  I checked it out and it looks nice.

(love the turkeys!)

 

I checked the web site and signed for additional information.

Within 10 minutes I had a call from a guy named Mark who works for an organization called "Seniorly," which I gather is similar to "A Place for Mom" that I see commercials for, a free service that helps people find places to put their older parent.  He asked if I'd like to tour the place and we set a date for next week.

As you can see, it's a house and it has only 6 residents and perhaps with such a small group she would be less inclined to get angry with people because she would probably have better care.

They have both single and double rooms and if she were to have a single room the cost would be $2,000 less than we are paying now.  Sounds wonderful.  But with only 6 available places, how long until someone dies and leaves a vacancy?

This morning Mark called and says they have a vacancy now, a single room, but another family is coming to check it out on Sunday, so we made plans to go and see it tomorrow.  Mark will take us..  He also said that a new physician's report needed to be filled out and it just so happens that we were going to see my mother's doctor today, so I printed the form to have her fill out.

My fingers are crossed so tightly it may be difficult to drive.  I am very hopeful that this might be the solution to her problems.  The Psychiatrist also suggested that the medication she is on now, to calm her down, tends to be "disinhibiting" in older people and suggested a substitute.

The doctor's visit was interesting.  It seems that more and more my mother talks not gibberish, but things that make no sense (she asked me if I had finished bombing the baby, for example).  So spending time with both her, speaking Mildredspeak and the doctor, who is from Bangladesh and has a very strong accent that I often can't understand is enough to give a person a headache.

For example I thought we had agreed they didn't need a urine sample since it was just done at the start of the month and was clear and that it was difficult to get her to give a sample, and easier to take it by catheter.  But when I got to the lab, they asked me if she was going to give a urine sample. I just said no.

But she did agree to change the medication, as The Psychiatrist suggested.  We'll see if that helps.

I was unhappy with the attention she got from the (new to me) Atria staff, who didn't watch her coming out of the building and didn't realize that she walked off the path, onto dirt and then off the curb at the bottom, nearly falling until I steadied her.  It was a relief when we got back and the director was there, grabbed my mother by the arm and guided her up to the door, which the other aide should have done.