See You In My Dreams

I lost my mother last night.  Not literally.

I rarely dream lengthy dreams, rarely remember my dreams, and almost never have a dream that can probably be found in a dream interpretation book.  But this dream was different.

I had gone with Jeri, Walt, Walt's (deceased) mother, and a  guy who looked like our friend Liam, but wasn't our friend Liam (I never did figure out who he was).

Jeri and I left the others in the Atria lobby while we went off to her apartment, but when we got there, it was empty and her bed was gone.  There was someone in there cleaning up and a sign on the door saying it was being renovated.

But where was my mother? At one point in the dream I was in tears, thinking of her being dead.

The rest of the lengthy dream consisted of my trying to find someone...anyone...who could tell me where my mother was and why she was not in her room.  Everyone I asked either didn't know who she was or had no idea where she was.

Finally someone told me she was "at Podiatry," which confused me because while she needs a pedicure, there was nothing else wrong with her feet, so why would she be taken to Podiatry?  Someone finally gave me directions to get to Podiatry, which seems to have been in downtown San Francisco.  The dream ended with my getting lost several times trying to find the office.  I never did find my mother.

It doesn't take a professional dream interpreter to figure the dream out.  While I haven't "lost" my mother literally, she gets farther and farther away and harder and harder to reach.

When I last went to Atria, I found her, sitting alone in the otherwise empty dining room, sitting at a table for two, head down on her chest, sound asleep.  I sat down across from her and watched her for awhile.  A noise in the kitchen startled her and she opened her eyes a bit and I talked to her.  She didn't respond and went back to sleep until another noise woke her again and I was a bit more forceful in talking with her.

She said she needed to lie down, so I got her up and walked her to her apartment.  I noticed that she was using that "old lady shuffle" (which was odd because when I watched the aide walking her down to the door last week when I was taking her to the doctor, I noted that she walked better than I do).  She held on to me for dear life and at one point she said "There's something I've been meaning to ask you, but I keep forgetting."  I asked what it was and she said "how's your mother?"  I said "you mean how is YOUR mother?" and she said "No YOUR mother."  When I told her that she was my mother, she didn't believe me.  I don't know who I was that day.

When we got to the apartment she climbed into her bed and when I said I would leave, she said "I'm listening to you, but I just need to lie down."  Of course she was asleep in minutes
I stayed for awhile, wondering if she would wake up or not, and she didn't, so I quietly left.

I hate what is happening...to me.  I am starting to...I won't say resent, but postpone going to visit her.  It's so depressing.  And though she is always delighted to see me (whoever she thinks I am) I know that by the time I have left, she has already forgotten I was ever there, so it doesn't matter whether I'm there every day, or once a week.  I think.  I rationalize.

I don't know if it is a cause-effect sort of thing, but she has started "roaming."  I rarely find her in her apartment any more and I often have to send an aide to search for her.  Often she will start talking to me and then get up and leave the apartment again, leaving me sitting there.

So it is understandable that I would have a long dream about losing my mother and spending a long time trying to find her again.  It is probably a reflection of my guilt over postponing visiting her so often.

We had a quiet weekend, only one show to review.  This was one I was not reviewing for Davis, but for Sacramento.  Sacramento reviews are a maximum of 275 words where Davis reviews are around 750.  Sometimes the shorter reviews are more difficult to write because there is so much to say, and so little room.

That was not the case this time.  There were good parts to the show, and not good parts to the show, and given that there were only five people in the audience (the cast outnumbered us), I wrote about the good points and ignored the not-good.  The Sacramento paper gives stars (the Davis paper does not) on a scale of 1-4.  If they had half stars, I would have rated it 2-1/2 because it was better than 2 but not really a 3, but to encourage people to come and see it, I went for 3 instead of 2.

In my first months of reviewing, 18 years ago, I rated a show 1 and the big shot Sacramento paper critic gave it a 4.  I wrote to ask him what he saw that I didn't and he got very huffy and said that it was more important to encourage the theater to perform shows such as that one than criticize the bad points.  So I guess that's kind of why I gave this show a 3.  And I hope they improve to earn that 1/2 star I gave them for free!

Sunday Stealing

1) Do you think you’d be a good writer? What kind of writer would you like to be (fiction, children’s books, magazine, etc.)?
Well, according to our income tax form, I am a writer.  I've been a theater critic for 18 years and before that I wrote several special weekly columns for the paper (school news, mental health news, etc.) and I co-authored two books about a Gilbert & Sullivan company in San Francisco, with which I have been associated for more than 50 years.  My claim to fame is that I am in the Library of Congress, though very few people have read the book or even have any interest in it!

2) I wish I had enough money to give each one of my Compassion sponsored children clean water and bathroom facilities for their villages, and each kid a bicycle.

3) If you had to enter a competition for the "Most Uselessly Unique Talent," what would your talent be?
Folding won ton.  Not a lot of call for that in my life these days!

4) When it might hurt their feelings, how do you feel about telling your friends the truth?
It depends on what the particular truth is.  I did tell one very good friend a painful truth many years ago, and I didn't hear from her again.  So I guess I'm more cautious now.

5) Peanut or plain?
Peanut all the way! (But plain peanut butter)

6) Is there someone you would like to take your place in life for one day? Who and why?
If I didn't have to actually interact with her, I wouldn't mind Martha Stewart coming to put my house in order for a day. (I can't think of anybody else who could do it in a day)

7) What do you think is the ugliest thing or event on Earth?

I used to think G.W. Bush had the worst smirk in the world, but I have to admit that compared to this smug supercilious grin, I'd much rather see G.W. back again.

8) What is your least favorite of your personality traits or quirks?
Procrastination.  I'm going to do something about it...tomorrow, or the next day.

9) I wish I could see our sons Paul and David because they've been dead ~20 years (22 for one, 19 for the other) and I just miss them.

10) Tell us your favorite children's story.
There is a story I have been searching for for years and have been unable to find it.  It was one of my favorites when I was a kid. It's about a farming family living in China--I don't know which century--where it was illegal to eat pork.  They had pigs and one day there was a fire in their barn and the pigs were killed.  In trying to determine if the pigs were alive or not, the farmer accidentally stuck his hand through the skin of the pig.  He pulled his hand out, licked his fingers to cool them off and discovered the meat was delicious.  I remember that he set other barn fires so he could eat pork, but I don't remember how the story ended and I have not been able to find it anywhere in my adulthood
                          
11) What do you keep in the trunk of your car?
The usual stuff--jack, spare tire, jumper cables, minimal tools, plus a roll of paper towels, a blanket, a supply of bottled water and a bag of reusable grocery bags.

12) Describe your perfect, rainy afternoon.
When we lived in a one-story house, I loved sitting in a comfy chair with a good book and listening to the rain falling on the roof while I read.  Now we are in a 2 story house and I often don't even know it's rained until it's all over.

13) Tell us about your favorite way to get lost in a simple activity — running, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, whatever. What’s it like when you’re in "the zone"?
Usually writing something here on the internet, finding new questions for Sunday Stealing, wandering through Facebook, or getting lost in my current SwapBot journal project.  Now that it's Daylight Savings time I really get lost in whatever project I'm doing in any afternoon and I'm thinking it's 4 p.m. and am surprised to realize it's really 5 p.m.  Where did that hour go?

14) What parts of nature do you like best?
I find nature endlessly fascinating, but I particularly like learning about animals.  A Nature special recently on beavers was amazing as was one on butterflies.  My favorites are always specials on elephants.

15) What's the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to/by you or another)?
I've seen many kind acts, but one that happened to me was about 3 or 4 years ago when Ned and I had our heads shaved to raise money through St. Baldrick's for children's cancer research.  I hoped we could raise $1,000.  Many readers of Funny the World and Facebook friends contributed, but the one which touched my heart the most was a card I received where a neighbor had gone to every neighbor on the street and collected money for me. This moved me mostly because the neighbor who was the organizer was one with whom I have had a lot of problems and we have hardly talked in the 40+ years we have lived here and I really have no relationship with any of the other neighbors, in the wake of the original unpleasantness, so to see them all come out and give money for my cause just touched me to the core. I cried a lot.  Ned and I ended up raising $3,700.

Really, it's OK

So about yesterday...No, there was nothing wrong with me...or my mother.  It was just late at night, I was completely uninspired, I thought something would come to me while I was falling asleep, but it didn't and I finally decided to just take a day off.  Sorry about that!

It's not that the day was without its own high points.  I got a very long email from a friend from whom I have not heard in more than five years.  She was one of those folks I thought had written me off (no, not Peggy) but it was a wonderful mail, with an update on all of her family, followed today by lots of photos.  I haven't had the time to respond yet, but look forward to sitting down and writing to her.  It's so nice to know that I'm not in her bad graces after all.

I also had a nice audio message from Ilyse and there are lots of things I want to say back to her, but have not yet.  One thing she talked about, when we were discussing her Instant Pot was the taco pie that she makes, in a spring form pan in the Instant Pot.  She says it's a staple in their house and she makes it often.  Now, in truth, it's something that would be easy to make in the regular oven, but I was intrigued about cooking in a spring form pan in the instant pot.  (Many have told me I MUST try a cheesecake).

I have a spring form pan and have used it often over the years, but it's a standard size and you need a 7" pan to fit inside the pot, so I ordered one from Amazon, which was delivered today, and I will make the pie tonight.  Then I can record a message and let Ilyse know how I liked  it.

A sort of low point of the day was a message from Atria on my cell phone telling me that my mother is refusing to take her meds.  They said it's not an emergency, but they are supposed to let me know.  Well, that explains why she is complaining about pain in her arm again.  Duhhh.

Today I had a great time at lunch at the other senior living facility in town with 7 friends with whom I have lunch 2 or 3 times a year.  The occasion of our meeting is usually that our friend Grainne is about to return to Ireland.  Grainne comes to Davis a few times a year to house set for friends here.  She's such a delightful person.

Being Irish, she tells a great story and entertained us with the tale of her 3 a.m. battle with the escalator at the Dublin airport, where in trying to handle her suitcase, she fell down the up elevator.  Of course she made it into a funny story, but the fact that there were medical folks there who wanted to take her in for an exam shows that it was more than just a little injury.  They told her she needed to be sure to get a tetanus shot as soon as she got to her final destination, which she did.

The funny thing about her story was that four other people at the table had elevator accident stories, either something that happened to them or something that happened to someone they knew (I did not add the episode of Modern Family where Claire, naked under her coat, is going up a hotel escalator for a rendez vous with husband Phil when the belt of her coat gets caught in the escalator.  Of course everyone she knows happens by and doesn't understand why she doesn't just take the coat off.

But I'll tell ya, when faced with an escalator the next time, I might opt for taking the elevator instead.

The organizer of the lunch was our friend Joan.  Joan is very politically active and has been hosting regular post-card writing sessions, for people get together to write postcards to legislature about one outrageous thing or another -- there is something every week.

She has also been making her own post cards, this one relating to the Sinclair Broadcasting mandatory statement to be read by all their newscasters as a diatribe against what they call "fake news."

 

(Whoever put together this video of all of the newscasters reading the same statement, together, was brilliant.)

I don't know how effective this barrage of post cards from little Davis, California in Congress, but if there is any effect at all, Joan deserves high praise!

Anyway, it was a lovely lunch with good friends and we were able to linger for 2 hours.  Then I came home and took a nap since I'd been up since 1:45 a.m. (with a short nap between 7 and 9).

From Davis to Boston

We spent the early afternoon in Davis/Vacaville, the later afternoon in Boston, and were back home in time for dinner.  Busy day!

 

It may look like my mother is laid out on "Ducky's" exam table, but actually, she is getting a bone density exam.  She didn't have a clue where she was or what she was doing, but this was a good day and she just went wherever I pushed her.

I noticed when I picked her up that there seem to be a lot of empty rooms in the memory room right now.  Even Tony's room no longer has a name on it, so it maybe that the budding romance is over.  But since she never realized there was a romance, I'm sure she doesn't know.

From Kaiser in Vacaville, we went to Kaiser in Davis, where we finally picked up her new glasses.  These are actually quite pretty and there is a hint of purple along the ear pieces.  We picked them up on the right day because she didn't know where her other glasses were, so I figure she now has a pair to wear and a pair to lose.

I wonder how long it's going to take before she loses both...  (It's inevitable)

Before we left Kaiser/Davis, I stopped at the lab and got the blood work that my doctor ordered for me a month or so finally done.  I keep finding excuses not to make the drive out there -- it's not that I hate blood tests.  Heck, I almost enjoy them but it's driving all. that. way (2 miles?) just to have blood drawn.

We were home for about an hour before it was time to turn our computers to the Berklee College of Music streaming web site so we could watch  this year's Curtain Up 18, theater music that the kids had written and orchestrated that were being performed for an audience. This year each piece of music had a videotaped introduction by the writer.

 

Then the piece was performed, everything from serious themed pieces

 

to fun, jazzy numbers

 

At first I was afraid we were going to miss it entirely because they had video problems for the first 15-20 minutes.  I gave up, but fortunately Walt did not and when it finally came on, he let me know so I could see the rest of the show.

At the end of the show, Jeri came on stage to thank everyone and give a plug for a fund drive to help fund the show next year.

 

And having played in orchestras for so many years herself, she is aware of the fact that musicians are often not given their due, so she made sure to post a list of the orchestra and to name every single one of them....not an easy feat since they seem to be from many different countries with difficult-to-pronounce names.

 

Good Jeri!

I sure love streaming video!  How else could we be a part of Jeri's life, 3000 miles away!

Audio Pals

I recently decided to participate in a swap on Swap Bot.  It was called "Voice Message" and the instructions were

you will use a voice recorder (the kind on your phone, tablet or digital voice recorder) and make an audio letter introduction to your partner.  Simply introduce yourself and email your 'letter' to your partner. Include your name, age, where you live and what you like to do. This intro should be the same as when you write an introductory letter to a new pen pal, but instead of writing it, you'll be recording it.

I've had a pen pal of some sort or other since I was in grammar school and got the name of an English girl from a Mrs. Chegwidden in San Francisco, who paired girls in the U.S. who wanted to write with girls in England who wanted to write.  My partner and I exchanged letters for some time -- I don't remember how long, but probably not all that long.  I don't remember her name, unfortunately, but I did enjoy the letter exchanges.

Over the years I have exchanged letters with people I know face to face and with people I never met.  This sounded like it was possibly a new version of a pen pal.

I was assigned two partners, one in the US and one in Germany.  I made introductory messages and emailed them off.

After you complete a swap on Swap Bot, you rate the partners who send to you and the partners you send to rate you.  One of my partners rated me "thank you."  That's it.  The other one left a message about how much she'd enjoyed my message, but neither suggested continuing the exchange.  I was a little disappointed.

I had better luck with the people who sent to me.  The first one, Tim, was a guy who lives in San Francisco and has been a performer for many years.  In fact, he's a professional story teller and started his message to me with a story (which made me wonder, at the beginning, if he had sent me the wrong file!)  Not only is he in theater in San Francisco but he also works at the Radiation Lab at UC Berkeley, and I worked in the Physics Department, and while not in the Rad Lab, I knew many people who worked there.

He also mentioned, in his tape, that he's involved in a group that sends audio messages all the time and I figured he would be perfect audio pal, so I sent him a follow up message, but never heard from him.  In fact, I worried that he had not received it and sent him an e-mail asking if he received my message and he didn't answer that either.

Owell.  Another disappointment.

But the other person who sent me a message was a woman named Ilyse from Virginia, a 61 year old wife of the minister of 3 different churches.  She sounded like a nice person and when she invited me to respond, if I wanted, I did.

It's amazing how much we have in common.  We both hosted foreign students, we both love TV and like many of the same shows, we are both learning how to use an InstantPot. and several other things.

We each send messages of about 20 minutes.  I've learned about her kids and told her of mine (she was excited to see Ned's new Brianna video and thinks he's brilliant.)

It's a new world and there are no rules, so I'm just kind of feeling my way along.  When you have a pen pal, you write a letter and mail it off.  It arrives in a day or two.  Your respondent may take a few days before she responds and then it takes a few days before you receive it. So the minimum time from when you first write to when you write again may be longer than a week.

But with audio message, it's possible to send several messages a day (though we have not) and I'm not quite sure how best to go about it.

We have exchanged 3 or 4 messages thus far since March 9.  Her last message she actually sent me two, one about a complicated problem she was having at work which lasted so long she sent a Part 2 about more personal stuff.  Her message was in response to a message I had sent earlier in the day and I didn't think I should send a message back immediately, but it was one of those things where she talked a lot about TV shows she watched and comments about them and you just wanted to say "me too!" without waiting a few days to do it. 

Also, she talked about her Instant Pot recipes and I wanted to say I'd like her to share.

So I sent off my second message in the day and also sent her a link to Ned's video, which she had asked to see.  She sent back a text message saying how much she loved the video and how she was on her way out and would listen to my message when she got home.

Initially she expressed surprise at how at ease I seemed to be with recording. Heck, I've been recording for many years, starting with all those Lamplighters interviews and then the interviews I've done for feature articles for the newspaper.  I learned long ago how to put people at ease and get a good interview out of them and so when I started doing my own talking, there was no hesitation or nervousness about it.

I don't know where this is going, if we will settle into a routine of sorts or if once we have finished all the "getting to know you" stuff, it will die off, but I'm having a good time getting to know her.

The Walking Ladies

We delivered an Easter basket to my mother today.  She didn't know what it was for and when she tried to take some candy out of it, always asked me if it was OK because she didn't want to do anything wrong.  I finally told Walt to take it to her apartment so she could find it there when she went back.

She was sitting at the opposite end of the hall from where her apartment is.  From there she can see down the hall and makes comments about any activity that is going on.

Opposite the chair on which she sits is the door to an apartment of two women.  Beth is in A and Patricia is in B (their names are on the name plate outside).  There is a woman who walks the halls constantly.  I don't think I have ever been in Atria when she is not walking the halls.  She walks from one end to the other and when she gets down to the end where my mother was sitting, she always goes into the Beth/Patricia apartment, closes the door, then opens it again, seems surprised to find us sitting there, and then walks to the other end of the hall and then back again.  Wash, rinse, repeat countless times.

The other woman from that apartment was walking today too, but she knows what she is doing and counts how many turns of the hall she makes and tells me that she's trying to lose 30 lbs.

I don't know which is Beth and which is Patricia, but Walt finally figured out that the constantly walking woman is Beth because whenever she enters the apartment, she turns to the left, which is to Apartment A.

I was pleased to have that mystery solved until Patricia (if the dieting woman is indeed Patricia) locked the apartment and the other woman couldn't get in, so went into the next apartment and entered.  

Then, one of the aides passed her on one of her rotations and said "Hello, Miriam."  So I don't know who the heck she is and where the heck her apartment is!

My mother was in pain today.  She says she hurts everywhere and when I suggested we go to her apartment, where she could be more comfortable and Walt could have a chair instead of leaning against a cupboard, she said "Not today.  Maybe tomorrow," explaining that she hurt too much to go to her apartment.

So we sat there and watched the walking ladies and she talked about things that made no sense, but she didn't complain at least.

---

When Jeri was here, we had dinner at Ned's house and did some videotaping for the video he was making for Brianna's 10th birthday, his last birthday video for her (not sure what he will substitute next year!).  I was, of course, sworn to secrecy until he finished it and posted it for Brianna, which he has now done.  I talked with Jeri last night and said I'd been checking YouTube all day to see if he'd posted it yet, and she said that she had been doing the same thing and that he had just posted it an hour before

So I can now talk about the videotaping

He wanted Jeri there to play the saxophone in front of his green screen.  The video had a sort of Jamaican theme and so she played while wearing dread locks.

 

Then it was Walt's turn.  First it was getting him fit with the dread locks and when he was fitted, he had a great time dancing for Ned's camera.

 

Next it was my turn.  This is not in my comfort zone, but I did have fun and we laughed a lot.  First there was the problem of the hat.  The hat Walt wore would not fit my big head, so they tried another one, which Jeri smashed on my head with great difficulty (and some pain!) and it just sat there perched on top of my head.  This wouldn't work.

 

So they decided to use a scarf instead and that worked.  It also brought out the dancer in me.

 

Needless to say, there was a lot of laughter.  We ended with Ned lighting candles on a "10" cake

 
The end result was another magnum opus and I'm sure Brianna loved it.  We really had a good time being part of it all.

You can see it here:  https://youtu.be/aDGkCOl97eE

Sunday Stealing

1. What Are Three Things You Need To Buy?
* meat for dinner this week
* Depends for my mother
* a couple of craft things

2. My Biggest Hope Is....
That I wake up some morning and discover that I've dreamed the whole last year+ of the Trump administration and that tomorrow will be election day.

3. What Was The Last New Thing You Tried?
Cadbury M&M-like candies.  They aren't worth it.

4. What Mood Were You In Today?
Pretty good.  Remembering the nice lunch I had with a friend I haven't seen in about 15 years or more.

5. What would be a better name for the color of goldenrod-colored paper?
Urine. (I can't help it.  Worked in gynecology for too many years!)

6. Where did you get your silverware?
We have "good silverware" that I hardly ever use because I don't have enough pieces, that I got as wedding gifts and everyday tableware that I bought maybe 10 years ago at Target to replace the mismatched tableware we'd been using for years.  (I decided we were all grown up and we deserved matching things.)

7. What artifact from this past week would you have bronzed as a keepsake and heirloom?
Artifact?  I can't think of anything.

8. What was the most recent ceremony you attended?
A funeral for the founder of a local theater company.

9. What east Asian cuisine is good for your Seoul?
Honey walnut shrimp, any kind of chow mein

10. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
I have learned a lot about death and grieving, and am learning more every day about Alzheimer's disease.   

11. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
Flossing.

12. What gets you excited about life?
Brianna's book club meetings.

13. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
The aforementioned lunch.  Four of us reunited after a very long time.

14. What does your joy look like today?
My joy comes on days when I can visit my mother and she makes sense, if briefly.

15. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?
That's only 5 years from now.  I imagine nothing different than now.  My mother's health (if she is still alive, which she probably won't be since she will be 104 by then!), watching my children and grandchildren grow, and hopefully thrive and downsizing here--which will be a task that will take me the rest of my life.  (This is all assuming that I don't get cancer from drinking coffee!)