In Steve & Jimmy's The Last Session, the character of Vicki sells Mary Kay products and thus carries a "cute little pink little gun" in her pink Mary Kay purse.
I thought about Vicki this morning when I watched The Today Show and caught the tail end of an interview with a woman who coordinates "taser parties," where women can go and check out tasers and order them, just like Tupperware.
(And I thought going to a bridal lingerie party [which turned out to be a lingerie / sex toy party] was a weird experience.)
My mouth dropped open as this woman continued to describe her product, in various colors (she couldn't show one on TV because they are illegal in New York). She displayed a taser holster which came with a built-in mp3 player.
Now isn't that just wonderful? You can play the appropriate music for sending electrical shocks through your victims would-be attackers.
I always thought life should come with sound effects anyway.
I remember when I was a little kid and we were coming home from church, driving past the little store on the corner near our house. On the door hung a black wreath, indicating that someone had died (the wife of the man who owned the store, as it turned out). I clearly heard a loud, somber, dark musical cord being played in my head. Ever since then I've felt that we really should have a musical score for our lives.
Right now Lizzie and Bissell are chasing each other through the house at top speed. Bissell recently learned how to go out the back door, so they will start in the living room, race through the house, into my office, out the dog door, around the yard, back in the dog door, through my office, and down to the living room again.
I can just hear the William Tell Overture playing as they run.
Leroy Anderson's "Typewriter Song" would, of course, be running pretty much non-stop in my office all day long.
But what would be the appropriate music to accompany "don't tase me, bro"? How about "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!
I don't have to say "I don't know how I feel about tasers being sold at home parties for women." I think it's one of the worst ideas ever.
A bit accompanying the interview was an interview with a man (I came in too late to hear where he was from), who says that there have been deaths reported after people have been tased and that until we know how tasers contribute to their deaths, we should not let ordinary citizens carry tasers.
Well...duhhhhh. Talk about your understatement!
Yeah, I know that I live in a suburb so devoid of serious crime that the police will come out to tell you to move your legally parked car because it annoys the neighbor, or respond to a neighbor's complaint of noise violation and issue a citation to a woman snoring peacefully in her own bed.
I know I don't understand the dangers that lurk in the big city, the dangers that make women want to own tasers, but...jeez.
Tasers?
Really?
I don't want a cute little pink little gun either. I'm a real pacifist. And even if I weren't a pacifist, I'm such a klutz that I'd tase myself trying to get the damn thing out of the mp3 player attached holster.
Here it is 2008 and we're still living in the untamed wilderness. We have cell phones and wifi and chocolate croissants now, but basically we're still a lawless breed looking for the easiest, most effective way to incapacitate the bad guy.
I don't think I'll be inviting my friends to a taser party any time soon.
Thanks to everyone who wrote or called after yesterday's entry. I'm feeling much better about things, especially since I'll now have a mini vacation and a nice train trip to look forward to -- and after hearing how uncomfortable Express Jet is for normal size/shaped people, I think that I may be the winner in the long run!
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