For someone who earns money by communicating ideas in print that are published and passed around to thousands of people, I sure have a lot of difficulty in getting my meaning across from time to time.
Case in point my entry earlier this week, which was designed to express my worries about my mother and to elicit information from people who have dealt with the deterioration of parents so that I have an arsenal of tricks at hand when/if things with my mother begin to escalate.
Someone read my entry and absolutely exploded on my Facebook wall. There was a barrage of messages that were so angry that I deleted them all and decided to have this discussion by e-mail instead.
The writer seemed to feel that I was planning on dragging my mother off to some horrible home and forcing her to stay there until she died and that I was hoping that she would die. In explanation, I wrote, in part,
I worry about her. I'm not thinking she's going to need to be moved anywhere in the foreseeable future, but she's 91 and she is getting worse. Those of us who see her all the time for extended periods of time have all noticed it. It's not like she's ready to be put in a home. I hope she can stay in her house for a long time. BUT, she IS 91 years old. She DOES have serious short-term memory loss and I worry about her a lot.
And yes, I do hope she either dies in her sleep, or sitting up in front of CSI drinking a martini. Of course I think about the manner of her death. We have been watching Walt's mother die a slow death (she's 97) for many years. She is now in a convalescent hospital but she has gone from apartment in an adult community to assisted living, to a different level of assisted living, to hospital, and now to a place where she will eventually die. I can't think of a worse way for my mother to die, than going piece by piece, bit by bit, with more and more of her independence being whittled away. So yes, I hope she dies in her sleep.
The response came quickly:
I suppose I am horrified at the thought of your Mom in some hideous home wasting away waiting to die. Can't you get someone to stay with her? There's got to be a better solution than just sticking her in one of those homes. If, as you say, you are her best friend maybe you cousins could all get together and voice your concerns and present options to her situation instead of opting for the "home". She's not an unreasonable person as far as I know, I know she's smart bright and at this point ,yes forgetful.but she doesn't deserve to be pushed into something she isn't ready for. I felt horrified at your writings it seemed like you were so angry and there was only one solution to solve "the problem". I hope that whatever you all decide for her you at least have the courtesy to talk it out and do it with love and dignity. For myself, and my family, I've found that it helps to have a counselor or someone impartial to help sort things out.it really helped me with mom because we had a lot to figure out at the end of that journey.
I still didn't understand where all this decision that I was angry with my mother and that I was ready to put her in a terrible home. The last time I remember being angry with my mother I was in grammar school and we were arguing about some of my homework. I tried to communicate that.
You seem to have missed the point that she is not ready for such drastic action. I'm just seeing the beginning signs and am thinking ahead one, two, three years down the road, if the deterioration that we are BEGINNING to see continues to progress. I'm not angry in the least. I'm worried. She would hate having someone live with her and she would hate moving in with someone, especially me (my Aquarian lifestyle would be impossible for her Virgo sensibilities--we have both laughed about this often).
She would be better in a nice home where she could have her own apartment and where there would be someone who could check in on her regularly. Walt's mother has been in two such homes (one in Sacramento, one in Santa Barbara) and they were great. But this is way down the road. Definitely not now. We're certainly not going to kidnap her and force her to do anything she does not want to do. At this point I'm just exploring all of the options and asking for input on what I should watch for.
The response was
I haven't missed any of your points. You have completely turned around now and changed what you said in your blog. I am concerned because you seem to think the only option is putting your mom in a "home" for safety's sake. The way I read your blog was that you were upset at the way your Mom was acting the other night and you didn't know what to do about her. Of course you are concerned about her forgetfulness, but as I said before can you make arrangements now....such as speaking with her and other family members about the "future" . What are you worried about--that you might have to take care of her? I'd give anything to have my Mom here no matter how sick or forgetful she was and if it was HER choice to live at a home I would certainly abide by that. But really Bev, shouldn't it be HER choice about her future plans and shouldn't you as her daughter and having all these concerns that you've posted for all your friends and family to see help her make those plans now since its such a concern of yours? What I really didn't like about your posting is that you seem to think its ok for everyone to get involved in your drama over what to do about your Mom. Love and dignity indeed.
I gave up. There was obviously no getting through to the writer. The end result is wondering if I communicate as clearly as I think I do and try to do.
This was a great mindset to be in just as I have to be starting to write an article for the newspaper.
10 comments:
I hear two kinds of thinking in the answers you received: (1) people who don't have any idea what it's like to care for an elderly person who's losing it, and (2) guilt from people who think they did -- or will do -- the wrong thing. (I suggest memoirs like Jan's Story or an Alzheimer's support group for them.)
There is no right or wrong way to do it, outside of neglecting the patient entirely. The best hope you can have is that the patient makes the decision for himself, or thinks he does.
What a shame that by posting your honest thoughts and feelings about a sensitive subject, very dear to your heart, you have had to be subjected to this awful hurtful abuse.
I say to your critic to heed the old proverb:
"Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes."
I wish you and your family all the best, and hope that you can all work out a suitable solution to this 'future' problem.
Annette
www.mammakerr.com
::Mingle::
I suspect the person you were corresponding with was someone who is also emotionally invested in this situation, and therefore seeing it through an emotional filter. For what it's worth, from a third party who knows nothing other than what you wrote, I found your initial entry to be sensitive and filled with worry about your mother's declining health. It's hard enough to watch that without having to walk on eggshells too. I hope it's resolved and you don't feel you have to censor yourself on your own blog.
I thought you were perfectly clear in communicating your sadness and your worry about your mother. You didn't sound angry in the least, and it was clear that you wanted t to open discussion with your readers about the future.
It seems that your "friend" was doing some heavy projection. I'm guessing she is still grieving the loss of her own mother and is feeling guilt over the way her mother's end of life was handled.
There's no right way to handle any situation, especially one as difficult and delicate as this one. I understand that your wish for your mother to die in her sleep comes from love. I watched my mother lose more and more of herself and of her quality of life over several years. At the end, she could no longer read, watch TV, listen to music, or recognize the people she loved best. She was in constant pain and discomfort. Every scrap of dignity was taken from her. We should all hope for dying in our sleep, for ourselves and for those we love.
I don't have an answer for your question about how you "know." Is there a chance that your mother's loss of memory would cause her to hurt anyone other than herself? In my mother's case, losing her driving privileges accelerated her decline, yet she couldn't be allowed to drive as she was endangering other people.
My heart goes out to you and to your mother.
Thanks, everyone for your sensitive and helpful comments. For one thing, it puts my mother's current condition in perspective and makes me feel a little more hopeful.
I hope that when I get to that age, I will have someone as involved and thoughtful as you on my side. The only thing I can think, as I read those messages from the angry reader is that there must be a whole lot of vodka involved.
We're beginning to get to this with my mom, too. It's not fun. And there are no clear answers. Which makes me wonder where I can get my hands on some vodka!
Bev, I guess the upset person is a relative? or friend of your mom's? or maybe just someone who has not yet had to begin to face some of the problems with elderly parents. I did not sense ANY anger in your post. All I sensed was genuine caring, love, and concern for your mom.....mixed with sadness over the possible situation.
When my mom was getting where it wasn't safe for her to live alone, I went through all the options I could think of. Having someone move in with her was something she did not want.....for her, that would have been more of an invasion of her privacy, than the assisted living facility was. At least at the facility, she had her own little apartment (2 rooms....wish it could have been more, but....)with her privacy and dignity. It was HER "space"...but she had nurses and assistants available. They checked in on her, but knocked first. It was not a nursing home, and I fought the "kind doctor" (phhht!!) that told me to move her from the assisted living facility to a nursing home because she kept falling. (changed doctors, and got her in better health!!) She really wanted me to move in with her, but it just wasn't possible....I was working full time, an hour away, and still dealing with some ROUGH teenager problems at home. That made me feel so guilty that I couldn't move in with her, yet I KNEW that would not be a good solution. By moving her into assisted living, I was moving her closer to me, and I could spend more time with her. It was hard.....but I had to do what was BEST for HER, what was SAFE for her.....and I know that's what you want for your mother. It's gut wrenching......right? Hopefully, you won't have to do any of that, but it's good to be noticing things, thinking about the future, and already working out the best options. To do otherwise would be to put your head in the sand until one day you HAVE to do SOMETHING, and you don't have a clue what to do. It always seems so, so much easier when it's someone else going thru it.....right?
....wishing the best for you and your mother.....
~b
(PS - about the "dying in her sleep" comment.....My mother used to say she wanted to die with her face in her coffee cup, in other words, to suddenly "drop" with no pain or suffering....to go quickly....she kept saying that!! To wish someone to "die in their sleep" might mean to someone else that you want someone to hurry up and die....but to ME, it means that you wish them a good life, and a quick & easy "crossover" when the time comes.....)
(Actually, what I REALLY want is for her to die having a vodka tonic and watching 2-1/2 Men!)
That's even better, Bev - and probably what she would love! :-)
(My mom loved 2-1/2 Men, also -- I always think of her when I watch it, can still "hear" her giggling!!)
~b
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