Meltdown

I had a major meltdown today.  It was for nothing "big."  It was a thousand little things, which first had me sitting in the car screaming and later sobbing on the phone while I asked Sandy if she could work an extra half hour to allow me to get myself under control before going to Logos.

I could list the things that led up to it.  The slowness of my desktop computer, my iPad filling up, my inability to get photos to Dropbox so I could show them to my mother because the desktop would not read the flash drive I had all the pictures on.  My iPhone was acting crazy.

I tried printing something, but my black ink had run out and the cartridge of black ink I had was for the wrong computer and I figured I would go to Office Max after I left my mother and get one.

I hated to admit it, but I was dreading the thought of going to visit my mother and getting back into her dementia again.  Then I was unable to find a parking place closer than 2 blocks from Atria. Visiting with her and seeing how distanced she is from life, fighting with her about her phone bill which she knows she "just paid" (despite the fact that she has no stamps and there is no evidence of a check being written in her check book), just all the normal stuff in talking with her just got to me.  Showing her all the pictures from Iowa and talking at length about Peach and her chemo, her hair loss, and her doctors' appointments and then having her ask "what is her medical problem anyway?"

By the time I left Atria, there was no time to get to Office Max to get ink because I still thought I was supposed to work.  The project I wanted to print was not something I needed immediately, but it was just something else going wrong.

I came home and broke down, sobbing, with Walt trying to figure out what the heck was the matter because nothing big had gone wrong.  I had tried to find cupcake papers which he had put away and that just added to everything else.  It was all stupid, stupid stuff. I was trying to get a post card sent before the mailman arrived...didn't make it.  

Sandy called back to say that Peter had come to work because they didn't think I would be in, so that was a HUGE relief and gave me breathing room.

But the computer was still driving me nuts so I decided to reboot and then was told that it could not find a certain program and I had to reinstall that program. 

I hated to do it, because he always makes me feel like a stupid idiot, but I called my guru, who will take the computer in to be repaired on Saturday.  At least I've been using this laptop for nearly a month, so it's no big deal to go back to using it.

The last thing I want to do tonight is review a show, but I have a show to review tonight.  And tomorrow night.  And Sunday.

I don't feel as out of control as I did this afternoon, but it still seems like things are overwhelming, though they aren't really.

Before I went to Iowa, my doctor had suggested I see a therapist to talk through some of the feelings I'm having, especially coping with the deaths and my mother's dementia.  I had an appointment and then had to cancel because of going to Iowa.

I am going to make a new appointment first thing in the morning because I think I really really have a lot of emotion that needs to get out in a safe environment. I'm tired of holding it all in and "being strong."  "It" being little stupid stuff just piling up in my mind.  

I understand how Peach feels trying to be strong for Bob when her mind is a whirlwind of emotion that she doesn't want to let out.

In the meantime I can gird my loins and prepare myself for having my guru tell me how stupid I am.  I always love it when that happens.