Things Winding Down

Last night we went to see a wonderful production of 42nd Street at the Woodland Opera House.  I sat in the gimp section at the back, but they gave comp tickets to Jeri and Alice Nan too and they were able to sit together closer down.

 

Today was Alice Nan's last day here.  Jeri, who made a delicious dinner last night, pulled together the contents of the refrigerator and made a delicious breakfast.

 

In the early afternoon, before Alice Nan turned her wheels south she came with us to Eldervilla to visit my mother.  She was eating lunch with two other women when we got there.

 

It looks like she's grumpy, but she actually seemed to be enjoying herself.  We sat at the table with her for awhile and I was able to get a nice 2-dog picture.

 

Alice Nan liked her bedroom and she stayed to chat for a bit longer, but finally had to get on the road.  Jeri and I stayed, though Jeri was very sleepy and fell asleep on her grandmother's shoulder, while Simba napped on Jeri's knee and I watched the MSNBC coverage of the newly released Mueller report

 

We finally left and my mother didn't seem to be stressed by our leaving her.  It feels like she is settling in, thank goodness.

Jeri and I came back to Davis and stopped at Borders for an asparagus quesadilla and a nice chat, then home for a bit.  I took a short nap, then cooked dinner and everyone (but me) was off to an early sleep.  Jeri will be going back to Boston tomorrow and we will miss her.

Like Sleeping On A Cloud

I've been having neck problems for the past several months.  Not bad neck problems, but the kind you get when you sleep wrong and you wake up with a stiff neck.

It wasn't that I didn't know why.  I heard somewhere recently that you should get a new pillow every 3 years.  I've been sleeping on mine for over 10 years and it long ago lost its "oomph."  So I know that my neck problems have been caused by sleeping on a bad pillow.  It was just easier to deal with the neck problem than actually going out and buying a new pillow.

Oh, I thought about it a lot.  "I should go get a new pillow."  But somehow just never did.

But JERI is in California.  She arrived on Sunday and has been at Tom's house.  Alice Nan is driving her up here on Wednesday, but they will spend the night with Uncle Norm and Aunt Olivia and then come to Davis on Thursday.  Alice Nan is going to spend the night so she can go with us to have dinner at Todo un Poco and visit with our Mexican daughter, Marie, on Thursday night before going to see friends in Sacramento.

Spending the night!  Ack!  I just never think of folks spending the night here (except Ashley and Dave when they dog-sit for us).  With all the crap around here and the obnoxious dogs it just never seems to be a good idea.  Alice has been so good to host us whenever we go to Santa Barbara but I just feel embarrassed to have her here in all this chaos.

The least I could do was to get new towels.  

So I went to Target yesterday and bought 2 new towel sets, one for Alice and one for Jeri.  And while I was there, I picked out a new pillow.  It seemed so decadent and self-indulgent.  It's not an expensive pillow, but it was at least fluffier than the one I have been sleeping on and seemed to have more body to it.

Well, lemme tell you.  I went into the couch last night, with my new pillow and with an extra layer of blanket (since I seem to sleep more soundly under two blankets instead of just one) and I sank my head into that new pillow and felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.  At the very least I was nestled in my own little cloud.

I also fell asleep in less than 5 minutes, and except for my usual 3 a.m. trip to the bathroom, I slept the entire night through. I had been so comfortable that after getting up at 3, instead of moving to the recliner, as I usually do I went back to the couch and it was light before I woke up again.  I can't remember the last time I've had so much sleep--and awakened without a stiff neck.

I'm also happy to have new towels, as the ones I have been using since we remodeled the bathroom in about 2002 are no longer soft and fluffy...and when Jeri and Alice leave, I can use them!

I put the towel set on the bed where Jeri will sleep in the "big bedroom" and sat in a chair and just looked at that room.  I keep saying we aren't hoarders, but you'd sure be hard pressed to prove that by looking at this room.  Just from where I sat I could see things like a manual typewriter that probably hasn't been used in 25 years, an old VCR -- maybe more than one.  There are mementos of events from decades ago, long since buried, including quilts I'd forgotten we had.  There are boxes of stuff overflowing and baskets of stuff overflowing and don't evenget me started on the books.  I have my very own little Logos going in that bedroom.

But I understood how my mother, whose house was never untidy, would just sit, look around her house and moan "what am I going to do with all this crap?"  The problem is knowing where to even begin to reduce the piles of stuff we are never going to use ever, ever again.

And then there's the "Pepto Room," the pink room where Alice Nan will sleep.  It has become a storage room for empty boxes.  Somehow the  recycle-able Blue Apron boxes get stored here instead of being thrown away, but that's a good thing because I used lots of them to clean out closets and drawers recently.  But there are still more.  I should start putting "crap" from the big bedroom into those empty boxes stll in the Pepto Room.

Char just moved to a new place yesterday and has been going through the "what am I going to do with all this crap" angst for some time now.  But she did it and can now start collecting new crap.  As I sat in the big bedroom this morning I decided what I REALLY need to do is go away fro a few days, get Ned to supervise (not do the work) and hire a crew to remove everything from that room and throw it all away, leaving only the books and the photo albums.

But that won't get done.  Still, it's a lovely dream.  And I even have a lovely new pillow to have that dream on.

Alice Won't Be Working Any More

The day started with T-ball at 8:30.  I'll tell ya, these guys have improved since we first saw them the first week of games.  This is Bri hitting a solid ball that got her to first base.

And here she is coming home three plays later.

She threw several surprisingly good balls, especially one from 1st to home plate that was better than I can throw!  Both teams were much better and it actually looked like a baseball game.

Of course Brianna had a big cheering section for her.

(Not bad when you get a scout from Fox Sports [Cousin Ernie Baur, left] to come to your T-ball game! -- I had to print his name because he will be looking for it!)

But the most enthusiastic fan was 2 yr old Charlie who sat in Auntie O's lap and kept yelling "go, Brianna, GO!" no matter who was batting or running. At the end of the game she yelled "Yay, Brianna, YAY!"  Very cute.

For Lacie, it was just another boring day at the Little League field. Fortunately she's a whiz at Mommy's iPad.

(Mommy was quick to point out that Lacie now chooses her own outfits, including the inside-out tutu because it had a deeper pink than right side out!)

Such a fun day watching the kids play.  After, we went to lunch with Norm and Olivia. And then it was time for the Big Event: Alice Nan's retirement party

There were 80-something people there and Alice Nan didn't stop beaming for 4 hours.

Ned and Bri offered a toast, with a Shirley Temple Bri had picked up while sitting around with some guys at the bar.

Charlie and Lacie, in the meantime, were bonding over photos of Charlie's favorite t-ball player.

There was a sort of "formal" program.  Tom and Joe sang a song Joe had written for Alice Nan several years ago (there's a movie of that I will eventually post) and several people from various parts of Alice Nan's working life got up and spoke.

(there were others too)

It was wonderful hearing so many people talking about their feelings for Alice Nan and what an asset she has been in their personal and working relationships. (I particularly liked the story about how she saved a client $5 million!) I'm sure the guest of honor wiped away many tears...both from emotion and from laughter.

Then Ned and Tom sang their rendition of a song ("Grandma Won't be Working Any More") which my father had written back in the 1980s when my mother retired.  It was reprised for Walt's mother's 80th birthday and now recycled once again and made unique for Alice Nan. (The YouTube link is here)

The end of the program brought Alice Nan to the microphone, assisted by Brianna, who had to be a part of everything.

An hour after our scheduled end time, the only people left were family, still talking. Of course.

The restaurant staff was eager for us to be gone, so we moved the party over to Alice Nan and Joe's house, where we spent another hour or so rehashing the great send-off Alice Nan had just received.

Perfect day, from start to finish.  (We missed ya, Dave...)

Family

I've been thinking about the Sykes family ever since Alice died. The Sykes family, and families in general. One thing that I always admired so much about the Sykes family is the close bond they had. In all the years that I have been in and around this family, I have never seen them NOT close to each other.

It's something I never had the chance to know. Karen and I were not close growing up. We shared a room, but that's about it. When she got to be an adult and admitted she was a lesbian, it was during an age when there was something shameful about that and so she kept away from the family. It was only the last time I saw her when we had such a good time and I thought maybe we could finally be friends, as adults.

My mother's family was always very close. Even though her older sisters were adults and out of the house before my mother was born (and her oldest sister had a son older than my mother), there was just a real bond among all of them and their parents. Many of the cousins were part of that closeness, but because of my father's contempt for my mother's family, I was not in that inner circle. I listen to Peach and Kathy talking about their childhood memories and those were so far from mine. I didn't know many of my aunts, and none of my uncles, and only came to know them more closely after I had grown up.

So encountering the Sykes family was something I'd always wanted...that closeness. I always explained the closeness as because they were four against the world, after Walt's father died. And they succeeded. All of them.

Through the years, whenever we had a party, you could be certain that a good part of the time would be spent with Alice and her three kids standing in a circle laughing and talking. It wasn't a closed circle, but sometimes it felt that way.

As Alice got older her kids rallied around her. I cannot tell you how many times Walt has flown to Santa Barbara on a moment's notice in the past few years to be there to support his mother. Often he would spend several days just sitting with her, watching her sleep, but it was important that he be there.

Before she moved to Santa Barbara, and after she had to give up driving herself, Walt would include her in things we were doing. This meant he had to drive 40 minutes to get her, 40 minutes back to Davis, then we would do that thing we were going to do, whether it was a show or dinner or whatever, and then he would make the 80 minute round trip all over again to take her home. He never complained.

When she lived in Sacramento, she and Alice Nan, who also lived there at the time, spent a lot of time together. It's interesting that in my entry yesterday I mentioned that Alice Nan was her best friend...and then when I saw the obituary they had written, it also says that Alice Nan was her best friend. It was so true. They shopped together, had lunch together, went places together. They even bought a condo together. Then Alice Nan was transferred to Santa Barbara. A few years later, Alice moved down there as well and Alice Nan went to visit her most days a week. She always saw the best in her mother, always saw signs of good days, of alert days, of growing strength. She brought things to cheer up her room, made her take part in activities, frequently ate dinner with her in the dining room.

Every time she went into hospital, Alice Nan was her champion, the one who took on the nursing staff and made sure that her mother had the treatment she needed. (She was so diligent in making certain her mother was treated right that she got under the skin of one of the hospitals, whose staff ultimately said they would only take Alice as a patient if the family promised to stay away.)

As Alice's world got smaller, Alice Nan was there more often, and several nights a week would be there when she was getting ready to go to sleep. The two of them would say prayers together and it would help Alice calm down and be ready to sleep.

Alice Nan was so fortunate on Alice's last day. The convalescent hospital had been on lock-down for two days because of an infection that was spreading. Another hospital was on lock-down too. They were trying to prevent the infection from getting to all the patients. Alice Nan went to leave some clean clothes at the front desk for her (she took her laundry home to wash for her each week) but the attendant at the desk told her she could go back and see her mother. She sat with her and said prayers, like they always did. When the nurse saw her she told her she would have to leave. It was shortly after that when she received the call about her mother's condition, and then the later call about her death.

There is no need for any of her children to feel any guilt about how they treated their mother. I can't think of anything more that they could have done for her, and they all did it with love and without complaint, even when it involved dropping everything and traveling the length of the state to be with her.

The closeness extended out to their cousins, Ernie and Gerry, each of whom lived with Alice for a time when they were growing up. Gerry now lives in Long Beach, south of Santa Barbara and will be there for the funeral on Monday. Ernie and his family are flying out from Washington, DC to be there for the Mass as well.

The thing that I have said here, time and time again, is that it gives me the greatest pleasure to see that Tom, Ned and Jeri have the same closeness that Walt, Norm and Alice Nan have.

When I watch all of them is when I miss my sister, and I wonder if we really could have finally developed a close relationship, if she had lived.

It makes me feel sad when I hear of families who are estranged and who haven't spoken to each other in years. There is something special about "family." They are the people who know your whole history, the people who will nod knowingly when you talk about the time some uncle did something crazy, or when parents fought, or that silly recipe that your father made that turned out to be inedible. It sounds like a little thing, but the special memories in our lives are made up of "little things" and it's lonely when there is nobody who remembers them with you.

I had a taste of that several years ago. Peach and I hadn't seen each other in literally decades, but she and Bob came to dinner. We spent the evening laughing about silly family things and it was an amazing feeling. She was the only one who came close to knowing the whole of me in a way that nobody other than family could.

I envy what Walt, Norm and Alice Nan have and realize what a wonderful thing Alice did to nurture it.

The "Good" People

My sister-in-law sometimes reads this journal, sometimes does not. If she reads this entry, it's probably going to embarrass the heck out of her, but I'm going to write it anyway. So, Alice Nan, if you're reading...sorry, but my heart is very full and I have to talk about it.

I thought a lot about Alice Nan after the camera disappeared. No matter what the outcome of this whole thing is (no, it has not been found), the reaction of each of us was the reason why I wanted to write this entry.

After we had gone over all the possibilities, remembered when we had last seen it, I remembered that I'd made the decision to take it with me to the dining room, and I was certain that wherever the camera and I parted company it was in the dining room.

It's a lovely dining room and there are lots of servers. They can't make a lot of money and when I thought about the crowd that gathered around the rug right by my purse when the tray of dishes and glasses fell over, I was certain that someone had somehow seen and stolen the camera.

I guess I just naturally assume the worst of people.

I wasn't really vocal about my suspicions, but the point is that it never once entered Alice Nan's head that the camera had been stolen. It never seemed to occur to her that someone who found a camera wouldn't turn it in.

And that's the difference between us. She always expects the best of everyone; I don't always.

Alice Nan is such an amazing person. She's one of those people who has never met a person she didn't like. She automatically thinks the best of everyone. I've never met anyone who got along with people so easily (with the possible exception of my mother). She has best friends in their 20s and best friends in their 90s. She gets the most out of everything in her life.

Put Alice Nan in a group of 100 people and at the end of the evening, she will probably have talked with most of them, will remember their names and know lots of things about them. When she talks to you, she gives you 100% of her attention, her eyes staring intently into your own, unwaveringly. She asks questions and genuinely wants to know what you have to tell. This makes her seem at ease in any situation, a quality I so admire.

(Put me in a room with 100 people and I'll find a nice potted palm to hide behind (hi, Ron), hopefully next to the food table so I can pretend to be busy eating and won't have to talk with people. I might even forget the names of people I should know, much less strangers.)

I admire her enthusiasm for everything. Everything to Alice Nan is an adventure of sorts, a journey of discovery, something exciting to learn or to do.

She has been amazingly attentive to her mother since Alice has been living in Santa Barbara. Walt and I have been there frequently and I almost never see family members of other residents. Alice Nan drops by to see her mother almost every day. They have their routine. She knows all the caregivers and administrators by name, and a lot of the other residents. She has a smile and a greeting for everyone.

We don't often tell the people in our lives what they mean to us. I don't know that I've ever told Alice Nan what I think of her, but I am so fortunate to have her as a sister-in-law. If I could emulate one tenth of her attitude about life, I'd be such a better person!