I Want an Elf

8 December 2008

Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com

Yes, you may feel free to refer to me as Daffy Angel-Pants, your Christmas elf. Of course the name does bring up the question, what is an elf doing with angel pants? And what do angel pants look like? I thought they wore those filmy caftans and big wings. Are they hiding granny panties under all that flowing material? Or is there a kind of celestial Victoria Secret up there in Heaven where the angels deck themselves out in such finery that elves want to steal their undies?

Which brings up the even more perplexing question -- where do elves and angels meet? And what exactly does an elf do to separate an angel from her drawers? A little heavenly hanky panky? (Are there elves in heaven? or have I been watching too much "Touched by an Angel"?)

These are the kinds of questions one should not think about late at night with a headache already starting!

I actually don't want to be an elf...but I wouldn't mind having an elf or two around here. Think back at that wonderful story of the shoemaker and the elves. The overworked shoemaker cuts out a pair of shoes at night but is too tired to finish them and goes to bed. When he wakes up, the shoes are all finished and fit the customer so well, he pays more than the shoemaker asks, so the next day he buys enough for two pairs of shoes and in the morning the elves have come and made those shoes as well.

I could use a poop elf. An elf who comes in in the middle of the night and wipes up all the remnants of puppy poop I've missed, leaving the floor looking shiny and clean for the next day.

(Of course I came home from Cousins Day and found that the Poop Elf had actually been here and done that very thing. The next weekend, the Poop Elf was playing Santa Claus for Petco).

We know from Harry Potter that there are house elves, who are unpaid servants for the wizards. I'm no wizard, but who wouldn't want to have an intensely loyal unpaid servant?

Could I order up a Clutter Elf who would organize all my clutter for me? Use some of that elf magic to hide it all from sight, yet make it instantly accessible should I have a pressing need for a 20 year old newspaper article or a dust-covered business card from someone I met at a party somewhere?

Thanks to J.R.R. Tolkein, we know that elves are ambidexterous, which may be why they get their work done so quickly. They speak their own language. In fact, there is even an Elvish Linguistic Fellowship on Yahoo, which appears to be rather exclusively testy:

It is not the purpose of this list to help anyone "learn Elvish", only to study and discuss Tolkien's languages in a scholarly manner. General requests for information will be rejected.

Rejected? My! That's certainly not very "elvish," is it? Nothing more high-fallutin' than an exclusive club dedicated to the scholarly discussion of the eccentricities of a language that doesn't exist.

A bit more accessible and friendly are special Christmas elves. Magic Elves encourage an upbeat Christmas animated through nightly adventures and daily play to help children instill memories, have fun and reinforce the true meaning of Christmas and family values.

Nothing like an elf to evoke the true meaning of Christmas. We may all have heard angels on high on that o holy night in the little town of Bethlehem, but you may have missed that tell-tale verse in the Christmas carol, "Away in a Manger" ...

The cattle are lowing,
the poor Baby wakes,
But little Lord Jesus,
no crying He makes;
The elves in the manger
look up from the sty
And stay by his cradle
so naught goes awry.

I don't think it's too much to want my very own elf for Christmas. Maybe I'll leave out some unmade shoe parts tonight and see what happens.